Question

Can I 'retraumatize' myself by constantly thinking about a traumatic event from my teenage years? I keep analyzing what I did or didn't do at the time. I kept it secret due to shame and guilt, and though it might not seem as 'severe' as other experiences, I wonder if my constant rumination could be harmful. Can overthinking make the trauma worse?

Answer

Thank you for reaching out and asking this important question about trauma processing. The concern about making things worse through rumination is something many survivors struggle with, and it's valid to want to understand how our thoughts might affect our healing.

When we repeatedly revisit a traumatic event in our minds, especially with feelings of shame or guilt, it can reinforce the negative emotions associated with that experience. It's like picking at a wound that hasn't fully healed - the constant attention can slow down recovery and keep the pain fresh. While it's possible for intense rumination to be distressing, analyzing what happened isn't the same as retraumatization. Retraumatization typically occurs through experiences that mirror the original trauma, not through thinking about it. However, constant analysis of the event without support or coping tools can be overwhelming and increase anxiety or distress.

The fact that you kept this experience secret during your teenage years due to shame and guilt is very common. Teenagers often struggle with sharing traumatic experiences because they're still developing their understanding of what happened, fear judgment, or worry about others' reactions. This secrecy doesn't make your experience any less valid or significant.

It's important to address your comment about your trauma not being "as severe as others." Trauma isn't a competition, and comparing our experiences to others often minimizes our own valid feelings and needs. What might seem "not as bad" to one person can still have a significant impact on another. Your experience and its impact on you are real, regardless of how it might compare to other situations.

When we find ourselves frequently analyzing past trauma, it often signals that our mind is trying to process and make sense of what happened. This is a natural part of healing, but it can become overwhelming without proper support. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you process these memories in a structured way, while learning grounding techniques can help manage overwhelming thoughts. Understanding that questioning past actions is normal, even though it can't change what happened, can help reduce self-judgment about these thoughts.

Consider giving yourself permission to feel what you're feeling without judgment. Remember that healing isn't about never thinking about the trauma - it's about finding safe ways to process it that help you move forward. Your desire to understand how to handle these memories shows awareness and a commitment to healing. There are ways to work through trauma that don't involve either constant rumination or complete avoidance. With support, you can find a balance that works for you.

You're not alone in this experience, and reaching out shows courage and self-awareness. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this healing process, and remember that it's okay to seek help when you need it. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.