This isn’t about one incident but it’s happened so many times and how it’s android me feel. Today was hard for me my car battery died and I needed help, my youngest daughter crossed my boundaries again, and my ex did as he was supposed to helping me. I felt so ganged up in today as if I was being bullied. It seems as I sat here in my bed trying to process the day and feel what I’m feeling it hit me that it feels like hoe it feels to be raped, which is strange but almost everything seems to remind me of it. I have someone I care very much for but he goes silent on me and we don’t talk for a while and then he comes back like it’s all fine but it’s not. His silence triggers me greatly to a point where I get so triggered I couldn’t control it. I suppose i didn’t realize it was mimicking the silent treatment. My ex today when the car battery died I called a few people to help and finally got my sister. My ex forgot his jumper cables and I asked him to ask some people in the parking lot and he got mad and then went in the store and came out and said your gonna owe me for this in a frustrating loud tone. He wasn’t yelling but it felt like yelling and hurt my feelings I wanted to cry. He told me he has jumper cables and if he had to buy them I was gonna owe him. As I’m writing this parts of me feel like a fool or at least think I am for asking him for help. When I was 18 when got married when I was 17, he told me if I didn’t have sex with him he would rape me and well I was tired and said no I also had a headache which I just remembered and he did it. I am in Emdr therapy processing what happened and the memories are started to slowly surface. But also there are other incidents that happened that are also surfacing. There are parts I remember such as the man with glasses on top of me and Everytime I see the town mayor my stomach turns in knots. He was around me when I was little and the resemblance is so similar but I don’t know if it was him for sure and maybe I never will. My mom let men touch me and pushed guys onto to my ex. I never known in the way I should and I don’t really care for having sex. I’ve been healing and working through all this but in some ways I’m afraid of everything and anything can trigger those feelings again like today when my ex said I would owe him. I haven’t been feeling well and have been needing some help and I suppose I was isolated so much of my life I don’t have a support system. I don’t have family or friends to go too and anytime I try new support groups no one shows up and they can be too far to drive. My youngest daughter has bdp and well it’s hard to be around her and she constantly crosses any boundaries I have which seems to be a running theme in my life. If anything today showed me I was able to control my emotions without expressing them to the people that hurt me, I came back and journaled and ate chicken noodle soup, and took a hot shower to help with the somatic pains surfacing in my body and now I’m under the blanket holding a pillow writing this story. I’m not powerless I never was I’ve just been around crappy people my whole life and I will always have been raped and sexually abused but it doesn’t have to define me.