This is a space where survivors of trauma and abuse share their stories alongside supportive allies. These stories remind us that hope exists even in dark times. You are never alone in your experience. Healing is possible for everyone.
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Original story
Dig deep and find your authentic self. That sounds hokey, I'm sure, but that's part of what is helping me to heal. I still have a hard time saying I'm a good person and that I deserve all the love my husband gives me, but I am trying. Believing in yourself, giving yourself compassion for what happened is important. Remember, you did not do this to yourself, he/she did this to you. You are not to blame. You are worthy.
Fortunately, I have been married to a loving, kind, tender, generous man for 32 years. Although I feel so fortunate, I still have not healed from the past with that first boyfriend. To be honest, I'm not sure what healing looks like, but I will be talking to my therapist about this.
I'm 58 years old. I had a dream of my first serious boyfriend the other night. In the dream, he was very nice, wanted to give me chocolate cheesecake, then forced me to have oral sex with him. The day after the dream, I was sick all day (headache, nausea, fever) and I couldn't stop sobbing. I didn't understand why, until I started to analyze my dream. Troubling memories came back to me. When I started dating him I was only 18 years old. A kid really. I'd grown up in a violent home where my parents neglected our affective needs. After a couple of months of going out, he told me that if I wouldn't have sex with him he'd have to break up with me. I remember arguing about this in his car, and he said he would dump me if I didn't have sex with him. So my first time was in his car, behind my parents' garage! It was painful, I asked him to stop because it hurt, but he kept going. I was humiliated and ashamed. Another time, he drove to a deserted field during the night and told me he wouldn't take me home until I had sex with him. So I did. The police showed up, flashed a light in my face and asked me if I was okay. I lied, said yes, I was okay. Again, I was humiliated and ashamed. Yet another time, I thought I was pregnant and told him about it. He was very sympathetic at first, then said I'd have to get an abortion and I'd have to figure out ON MY OWN how to get that done! This was the early 80's and abortion was not readily in my country. On top of that, I was raised in a strict Catholic family. Luckily, it turned out I was not pregnant, but I was ashamed. We dated for three years. When I'd broken up with him, he told me he wanted to see me again just to talk. I accepted. We drove around and at one point, he opened the console and showed me a knife. He told me that he was ready to use it if I didn't continue seeing him. I told him that I accepted. He drove me home (I was living with a friend then) and I never saw him again. I don't know if this story fits in this forum, but after the dream I had two nights ago, I felt compelled to look up the movement website and tell my story. Maybe it isn't dramatic enough, but I'm shaking as I write this, realizing that this first boyfriend forced me to have sex with him, he plied me with charm and patience, then took advantage of me.
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