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Survivor story
Coercive sex
Original story
Message of Healing
I’m not really sure what healing means or how to acquire it.
My ex was my first boyfriend and at that time, I was only 14 yrs old. I was not ready to have sex, but felt pressured to give in and I did. From then on, he was persistent about having sex whenever he wanted. I would tell him no, but he never took that for an answer. He continued to try and pester until and he wouldn’t stop until I would give in because I wanted him to leave me alone. It always made me feel used and unhappy with myself afterwards. One time, during sex I asked him to stop because it was hurting and he told me to wait until he was done. I never yelled no and he never got violent with me so I never knew that what he was doing was actually wrong. I knew I resented him not listening to me, but I didn’t know it was wrong. It’s hard to explain. If I ever stuck ti my guns and refused to have sex with him, he would ignore me and act as though I didn’t exist. He never admitted he was mad about me not giving him sex, but it was obvious he was. That made me feel guilty and sad. I felt like I had to have sex with him in order for him to be happy in our relationship. It’s something that has always stayed with me and though, we broke up years ago, it’s something I never truly got over. And honestly, I can’t say I’ve ever had a man make me feel that my choice to not have sex was really ok. I’ve always felt pressured or not heard and because of that, I don’t love myself or value enough.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.