#1574

I honestly don't know what this was, but if you went through anything similar and you're confused too, I get it. I'm 32 now and hadn't thought about my ex Name for a while; we dated when we were both 13. I was turning 14 in the end of June, he was turning 14 in the beginning of July, seems like we were meant to be. At least it felt that way at first. The first date, he grabbed my breasts and I froze every time. He did this on multiple occasions; I didn't push him away, I just froze. A few days after, he asked if I was okay and I let him know it made me uncomfortable, and I thought that was that. The next time we hung out, I loved it, but I think I fucked up here. I let him lay me down while we were making out. I don't recall if I let him use his hands anywhere else, but after we hung out here I went to his home alone. We were hanging out alone, and he wanted to go further, a lot further than I was okay with. I thought my reluctance was clear, but I guess not, because he wanted to play truth or dare. I said truth a couple times because I knew what was coming. Eventually, I chose dare and he wanted to finger me. I let it happen but I don't know what happened. I wanted to cry, I wanted to push him off me, but it felt like my body couldn't move. I just kept looking at him; I wanted to cry but I couldn't. Eventually it was over when he said I orgasmed. A few other things happened after this. I was reluctant most of the time, anytime we did anything other than just make out; but he would say "You're the only girl who will take this as a compliment, but I don't want to have sex with you". I feel like this was a trick, either way, I fell for it. He was masturbating and finished. After he washed his hands, he tried to finger me. I pushed him away, and he kept pushing in, eventually he got in and started fingering me. And he was worried he still had cum on his hand, so he pulled his hands back immediately. We were both scared and I went home. He distanced himself and us, but then I don't know. I was terrified; I couldn't have a baby, and my family wasn't exactly supportive, I'll just say that; they weren't a safe place to turn. I wanted to have an abortion but I knew that wasn't an option in my state, so I told Name I wanted to take care of it myself and he broke up with me once we found out I wasn't pregnant. A few days later, we get back together, and he wants just a sexual relationship. He says he still cares about me but he isn't sure if he's in love with me still. Eventually, we get back to "us", but the last time we were sexual was the first time I gave him a BJ. I was reluctant because we were in his family's backyard and then in a trailer of theirs and they were there. We weren't home alone. He kept just saying how it was fine, we were okay, no one would see us. And I don't remember what I was trying to do but I remember him saying "hot girls can't do anything with their horny boyfriends around". I don't remember the rest of the day. When we broke up though; and afterwards I called him out on it. I told him he stole my dignity; I didn't know at the time what that meant and I still don't, but that's how I feel. He sent me back a meme saying "if I could gather up my tears I would drown you in them" saying that I was a liar. I went a little crazy after that. Eventually I stopped dragging it out and tried my best to move on. But now years later, I'm realizing how much I missed. I don't know if I should go the direction I'm going here, by posting this, but I guess I just need another perspective.