#1445
Original Story
I am almost twenty and in my second year of college. I commute an hour to school and live at home. For years I never 100% felt safe around my father. There’s previous history where I haven’t been able to trust him. Ive been exposed to porn at an early age because of my dad and his addiction. I’ve had a hard time with trust with my dad because not just of finding porn multiple times with him and feeling put in the middle cuz I know porn was a deal breaker for my mom, but he would literally get mad at me and ignore me for days when I decided to let my mom know. I remember after it had been days since we talked my mom made us talk to “resolve” things and he made a comment about how he “knows” I walk by the bathroom door slowly to hear what he’s doing. I remember yelling at him that I’m not a fucking pervert. Mind you I was in fifth grade. And since then the trust has just always been broken. Still to this day I have ptsd every time he’s in the bathroom and I want to talk past it. Most times I’ll just stay in my room and wait for him to finish. He’ll even make comments when he gets out “I was just taking a shit”. Like why do you feel the need you to justify what you were doing. Flash forward to April of last year. I just got done smoking weed (one of my first few times). I definitely smoked more than what I could handle. But it was the last time I had smoked because it left me terrified. It was like memories in a way where I was in the pov of myself but I knew I was little. I saw my dad and he was younger and had no beard. In the “memory” or whatever tf it was he was getting off me all sweaty and looked and me said he was sorry but he loves me. I also remember feeling oral sensations like a penis in my mouth. I heard wet sounds (more so like water) with male meaning sounds. Whether this was true or not, it left me feeling grossed out. It hasn’t been the same with my father since. But it got me questioning things more. Because it was so big, out of self protection and disassociation, I kept myself very isolated from both my parents. My mom is very observant and has fostered a nurturing environment in the sense we talk about things and are on the same page. I knew she picked up on my distance and she brought it up one day almost like probing. I didn’t want to talk about it because 1) I had no idea if what I saw during my high was true 2) I didn’t want to make things more stressful on the family. Mom eventually probed me enough and I told her. At first she was shocked but she did end up hearing me and felt very bad that I had been struggling with this alone. She tried to make some logical reasoning to deny what I was feeling but for the most part I did feel heard. The one thing that hurt me in the conversation and still sticks with me was she told me, “I’m so sorry if that has ever happened to you. But I hope we can be a strong resilient family and maybe get past this”. Like great, I’m trying to make understanding of these confusing feelings and now add this? Like okay so if anything did happen I’m just expected to “forgive and forget and move on”. Like you’re still gonna stay with someone who abused your daughter? I know I’m also aware that her father for years had sexually molested her and she’s still in therapy for it. She still tries to salvage what little relationship she has with him so I get she’s also coming from a traumatic template but it still hurts. It makes me feel even more alone and makes me not want to speak up about stuff like this. However, a part of my resistance with telling my mom was I knew she would have a conversation later with my dad. I begged her not to and she promised she wouldn’t and ended up talking to him. For a couple of days there was distance and my dad wasn’t talking to me. That’s when I asked my mom if she talked to my dad and she revealed she did. We ended up having a family talk (my parents and I) because my mom always scaffolds those things and try’s to “resolve” things. I just remember walking into the living room and my mom calling my dad downstairs cuz he was being avoidant. Immediately I felt guilty and just wanted the conversation to be over so I just told my dad “I’m sorry I ever thought you would do something like that” and then we hugged and he said “it’s okay”. But fast forward to my therapy session after, why was that all my dad could say? Why can’t he ever validate my feelings? I just wanted the reassurance that he never would harm me in that way and I couldn’t even get that. Why couldn’t he have said “I am so sorry you would ever feel like this and I am so sorry I have failed at keeping you to feel safe. I want you to know I would never do such a thing to harm you”. Was that too much to ask for? Another thing that has kept me hyper vigilant with my father is why can’t I remember much from my childhood? I know we aren’t supposed to remember everything but why can I remember specific things with my mom but not my dad? I can remember my mom bathing me and taking a bath with me. She would use a plastic cup and sit behind me and wash the shampoo out. But when I try to remember my dad I can’t recall anything. I just remember reading an article on SA talking about how a lot of children have suppressed memories and many fragmented memories. A lot of the time the people who we knew were present in our lives but can’t seem to remembered anything could be a red flag. Now I lay trying to recall my father in my childhood who I knew was present, but can’t seem to remember much. When I do recall some things from my early years they are sexualized. I remember stealing my mom’s camera and talking sexually to it. I would watch them and then delete them. I would spend hours doing this. I even remember trying to look up a sex tape of Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber doing it in a bathtub. And I specifically remember being so frustrated I couldn’t find a video of it… but I find the location so interesting because during my high I heard water noises like the sounds of a bath and ironically I can’t remember bath time or anything with my father but I know he was there. With therapy we have explored my concerns and even my sexuality. Some things I discovered is my sex drive is very inconsistent. I could go weeks to months without doing anything and then vice versa and be hyper sexual. I also realize that whenever I do get aroused I feel anxious to the point I have to poop which normally just kills the mood and this has been consistent for years unfortunately no matter how many times i tell myself its normal and healthy. And when i do get intimate with my bf i will feel guilty or gross in the middle of it and i will literally stop feeling any pleasure. I also have a hard time at night when it becomes dark. My heart races and I will wake up every couple of hours in a panic. Granted this could be my ptsd from my brother but I do know it happened more frequently after my last high in April where I began thinking about my dad more. Also, there’s more context as to why his response triggered me. Back in middleschool I caught my older brother coming into my room late at night. The lights were off and I was sitting up. The hallway light was on and revealed just a silloutte. He touched my leg while he touched himself. I was frozen. My heart beating out of my chest. At first I couldn’t tell who it was but then realized it was my brother. In a panic I moved my leg and he ran out of my room. This was also on Christmas Eve which made the holiday so shitty. It was a whole long night and I ended up telling my parents about it. My mom was devastated and pissed off. She was protective of me and wanted to make sure I felt safe. But my dad’s reaction was different… he was quiet and had nothing to say. I remember explaining what had happened and I told my dad “at first I didn’t know who it was but I’m so sorry I could have ever thought it was you”. And I just remember his face he looked at the ground and started to cry. I remember thinking to myself “why isn’t he showing anger?” “Why isn’t he trying to knock the shit out of my brother”. Fast forward to my high flashbacks and my dad’s response, I began thinking more about how he responded to my brother’s situation. For those wondering my relationship with my brother now, it has taken many years to mend things. There had been a lot of anger from me but I feel in a much better place with him. What has helped is he has taken accountability and talks about it. He even brings it up to every now and then to check in. I know he feels a lot of guilt but has helped me is that he was never defensive or tried to gaslight me. He has apologized and has validated my feelings. And because he has done his part i feel more at ease. But with my father, there is non of that. No validation for my feelings or accountability for how he sexualizes women. I remember being worried for my friends to come over because I always felt he looked at them weird. I hated to wear make up around my father (still do). I envied hearing classmates talk about their fathers knowing they felt comfortable with them but I always felt uncomfortable. Whether my dad did something sexual to me or not, I still need to focus on the fact that these uncomfortable feelings with my dad exist and they do come from somewhere. There’s been other experiences with my father that makes me stay distant and uncomfortable. I remember being little and sitting on his lap bouncing up and down. I remember feeling aroused which was why I was bouncing but I didn’t understand it at the time. I remember my older brother was standing by us and he told my dad “dad isn’t that a little weird?”. And I remember my dad snapping back at him “No! It is not. Why would you assume something like that”. I also remember a time my brother told me he remembers when we were little, dad fell asleep with me in his arm (I was baby) and he remembered noticing dad had an erection. Not sure what to make of this but it does seem odd. Flash forward to within the past year. A couple of experiences happened. First one was I had gone into the living room to cuddle with my cat on the couch. I fell I was laying down on my side and had my eyes shut. My dad comes upstairs from his workout. I kept my eyes shut even tho I wasn’t asleep. He came into the living room and sat in the chair that faced me, my back to him. It was silent. I was terrified because not long before I had a dream he had pictures of me on his phone. So I laid complete still. With it being so quiet I heard shuffling. After sitting there for awhile I heard him stand up and it sounded like clothes shuffling like he was pulling his pants up. Then he walked to the kitchen. Why was there a pause for a few moments when he stood up? Why didn’t he just sit get up and walk to the kitchen what was the pause? Then literally just a few days ago, I woke up late in the night to my door opening. My ptsd definitely kicked in at this point my heart was pounding. But the window next to my bed revealed the reflection and it was mom. She put my weighted blanket on me and gave me a kiss and left. But she left the door open with the hallway light on so all night despite how tired I was, I stared at the reflection wondering if my dad would come in. I ended up falling asleep after the sun came up and the reflection was gone. But when I woke up I realized my breast were exposed from my blanket while my door was open (I don’t wear a bra to sleep). When I turned towards my door I saw my dad quickly wave at my like he was passing my door and just happened to see me as I was waking up. I tried to play it off like I was still tired and readjusting myself. I sat there trying to listen to any movement but when I initially saw my dad wave my heart was pounding. I felt I couldn’t breathe. I am so exhausted of constantly wondering if anything happened. So I ordered a house camera with night vision. When it comes I plan on hiding it in my room facing my door. I know I sound paranoid and I feel paranoid but I really just want answers. I am struggling mentally. Apart of me wants to move out already because of this but I also don’t want to leave my mom cuz I’m close to her. But it’s very hard to be in environment where you don’t feel safe. And being a full time college student with not much income, I am very dependent on my parents which makes the issue that much more challenging. And I also don’t want to build resentment and anger but that just happens to be the case :/ I am trying to listen to my intuition more and I don’t know how to trust it. So I feel a camera will put me at more ease so I can fall asleep without wondering if anything’s going to happen to me. For people who have read all of this, thank you. I am so sorry for anyone who is dealing with something similar. If I could leave one message with you it would be to never minimize your feelings even if others try to. Your feelings are valid and just because you may not have an answer, there are reasons for your feelings, listen to them and acknowledge them do not suppress them. Also, if people are comfortable I would love to support others who feel comfortable enough to share.