#126

It has always been hard for me to fully open up about my story. The feelings of guilt eat me alive almost every day. I never told anyone about what happened when I was five, I was touched by someone very close to me, my mind repressed those memories for a very long time. I was sixteen when it started. It started off great, I loved him. I always valued saving it till marriage, but he had convinced me otherwise because thats what love is right? It didnt get super bad till nine months in. He made me believe that I needed to have a child with him so that I was his forever. I did so, but decided to have an abortion. After this, he tried to impregnate me multiple times without my consent so I could not leave him, when this plan of his was not working the abuse really started. The first time it happened I remember waking up with his friend on top of me, it was right after we had smoked and I dont remember anything until waking up with his friend on top of me. I dont know why I didnt leave then. I dont know why i defended him. Sadly it happened a countless number of other times throughout a six month period. The scariest part of it all is I am still searching for answers, still trying to feel whole. During this time I had to cover bruises and scars all over my body. He made me feel worthless, like an object. It sucks because i thought that once i left it would be over, but these memories haunt me forever. A little over a year ago I was on a flight when I was again sexually assaulted, it made me relive all the memories I had put past me. When it was happening my body went into shock, I couldnt move for 5 hours, it was hell on earth. Until recently I have been so angry, so upset, why me? What did I do to deserve this life?