Finally able to share.

As a child I experienced sexual abuse multiple times and the worst part about it is, I do not remember much of my childhood... but I can remember these moments like the most vivid of nightmares. The first time I can remember is being at my fathers girlfriends house. She had a son and I was alone with him at some point and he made me place his privates in my mouth. I do not remember much after that so fast forward to the next time. My grandfather had a heart attack so my cousin and I were left alone with My grandmothers brother. (who is currently in prison for child p**n) I remember sitting on the couch watching TV while he drank and all of a sudden he started to touch me and breathe his nasty beer breath into my face saying inappropriate things to me. He continued to touch me inappropriately and then instructed me and my male cousin (we were 1 year apart in age) to do inappropriate things to each other. This began the normalization of people abusing me and I thought it happened to everyone. I hated it but I thought we were all expected to suffer through in silence. I finally ended up repressing all memories of these horrendous moments and didn't give it a second thought until many years later. Fast forward again to about age 19, I was out drinking with my cousin (not the same as before) and she and I ended up at a house of 3 guys we sort of knew. We were underage and they had booze so we started drinking, to which I was no stranger. I ended up getting so messed up I blacked out, however even though I have no proof, I am convinced I was drugged. I woke up to the owner of the house on top of me and all I remember saying was "ouch" and then I passed out again. I woke up the next morning alone and my cousin was no where to be found, she had left me there the night before, so nothing happened to her. For the longest time I was ignorant to the fact that I was raped and I always thought I deserved it because I got drunk and I did what was expected of me. I wish I had been educated properly in this area and that I had parents that recognized the signs as a child so that maybe I could have received help. I am 31 years old and just now dealing with these traumas. I have opened up to my husband a little bit but not fully as I am still so ashamed. There is so much more to these stories but it feels SO good to know that I can share anonymously and relieve some of the weight off of my heart.