AAbs

I can't remember all of it. I didn't remember it at all until a few years later, when it all came flooding back. I was back in my bedroom at my parents' house, I had woken up early and I saw the dim light of morning through my window blinds. Suddenly, it was like I was right back there. The only part that is still clear (and always has been) is how after, he asked me "Why did you try to push me off?" He never mentioned how I asked him to stop. I told him "Because I wanted you to stop." and he shrugged while walking to the shower. I didn't move from the bed. When it happened, I didn't understand consent. I was 16 and thought it couldn't be a crime because I initially consented, he was my boyfriend, he loved me, and more importantly, I loved him. It wasn't violent, so it was easy to tell myself that it was just a miscommunication. Again, he said he loved me, and I couldn't fathom how someone who loved another would willfully harm them. I dated him on and off for another year. I fell a part whenever we broke up. I needed him to love me so I could continue ignoring what I desperately wanted to deny. Whenever we'd had sex after (many of our "dates" were just him driving me to a dark street, having sex, and him bringing me home), I'd cry almost hysterically. I didn't understand why that happened, and he never asked if I was alright. He'd side-eye me from the driver's seat and I'd pretend to not notice his judgement. After I'd remembered it (2~ years after the fact), my mother watched a news story of a woman who had been assaulted and waited years to disclose. "She's obviously lying. Why bring it up now?" I felt stricken and bold, so I asked how she'd react if I was that woman. She said "You'd never wait that long to tell someone." I am now 20, and my mother still doesn't know. I don't think she ever will. I was deeply hurt when I heard this, but I've realized with time that this situation is extremely complex. So complex, that even those who've experienced it (& as a result, understand it more than most) still struggle to comprehend it. My mother's ignorant and cruel words are from her lack of experience with this topic, and that is a blessing. My memory is still hazy and will likely be forever, but regardless of how poorly detailed my memory is, I know I was raped & that what happened to me was wrong. I can see the consequences of it now. My rapist doesn't know he's a rapist and it's been far too long for me to be able to stand up for myself. No court will aid me, I cannot loose my anger on him (I couldn't contact him if I wanted to & I don't.), and I cannot tell those around me without blowing up my life. I have shockwaves on consequence, and he does not. Even still, I refuse to allow that pathetic man's actions harm me further. Progress is not linear and I am doing fine. I am struggling, but I am coping, I am surviving and soon, I may be thriving. My body is mine, and I say this with a renewed fierceness.