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#1238
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My hope comes from doing what I can for those who were dealt worse hands than me in the aftermath of their sexual abuse as a child. Not to mitigate the experience I went through, but I know I am personally more well-off than others having gone through a similar situation, as fucked up as I still am.
I don't think I can enjoy sex with any current partner without (consensually) engaging in a context that recreates my past abuse. The only things that "gets me going" involve me being taken advantage of. I feel very confused about it all and I don't know how to even go about processing it. I work in mental health, and everything I have learned - and even help clients through - revolves around the abnormality of experiencing sexual trauma as a child. Nobody should have to experience sexual abuse, and I understand that our responses to it are as common and varied as the weather. However, I feel such a significant dissonance between my sexual desires and my logical thoughts about everything. I feel like its not normal to feel any kind of enjoyment from a situation that essentially puts me in a place of powerlessness. Especially in a work environment where I have to constantly hear about how much similar experiences have negatively affected others on a daily basis. Part of me feels like I got the best side of the shit-coin. Being able to look back on that experience and find some type of benefit from it now, despite how it forces me to be in the same situation to enjoy sex.
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