raped by partner of 2+ years

I'm feeling haunted by being sexually assaulted by my then-partner over 3 years ago. They (nonbinary) told me (queer woman) that because I refused to have sex with them, I was psychologically abusing them. I remember thinking, "no, I don't think they're entitled to my body like that" but I ignored my inner truth and was coerced into sex. I tried to tell them no, that I didn't feel safe because they had been hitting things close to my face and screaming at me, but they told me that my refusal was punishment (as if I really did want to have sex, but was denying myself as well as them), which is psychological abuse. I tried to communicate that I didn't feel safe and comfortable having sex, but I didn't have the tools and I was afraid anything I said about how they made me feel would be misconstrued as an attack on them, which would start another fight. I cried afterwards, and they left me in the bedroom, disgusted with me. It happened a couple more times after that, but they didn't even have to coerce me; I knew after that instant that I couldn't say no to sex, unless I wanted to be labelled an abuser. I 'consented' to avoid a fight. They knew I didn't want to because I said as much, but that didn't matter to them. They said I was a narcissistic abuser anyways, and blamed me for how angry they got and for their physical outbursts of violence. I didn't know what to do, and I was so confused. Because I was toxic, too. When they screamed at me, sometimes I screamed back. When they broke dishes in anger and screamed at me while I cleaned them up, I secretly broke their water bottle that night and then lied about it. When they told me how they felt attacked because I was trying to hold them accountable, I didn't hold space for that feeling of being attacked. As I'm writing this, I am having some clarity: maybe it wasn't fair of them to blame me and call me an abuser when I tried to hold them accountable. I wanted them to go to therapy because I wanted the hitting and screaming to stop, but their therapist is actually the one who told them that my 'no' to sex was psychological abuse. They didn't rape me until after they went o the therapy I insisted was necessary to save the relationship. They told me I gaslit them, lied to them, emotionally and psychologically abused them, and that I was a narcissist. My mistakes and fucks ups haunt me just as much as the sexual assault, because what if I had been a better girlfriend? But I'm not sure I could have prevented all this behavior, unless I did everything they said and never spoke up for myself or shared my feelings--which isn't the kind of relationship anyone deserves. I am a human, after all, but they didn't want my humanity--just the ways my existence could boost their ego, like by having sex with them. I still feel lost though, and hurt both by what they did and how I responded because I know I ignited old wounds (they sure as hell let me know when I did!). I hate to think I exacerbated a toxic situation that led to my own sexual assault and their victimization as well as my own. I hate that they called me a narcissist and an abuser after they raped me. I hate that they felt entitled to my body, and I hate that I went along with it when everything in my body and my spirit screamed no. I hate that I didn't feel like I had a say. I hate that my experience was that what I felt and how I hurt didn't matter to them, and I hate that I made them feel the same way. I hate how confusing it all is. I hate that I remember any of it. I hate that I'm still angry, years later, when I'm happily married to an actual angel of a human being, and I hate that I am ruminating/feel haunted by this past experience. I know I need to let go and move forward, but I don't know what that looks like at all, and even though I hate how much I hate this ex, I also am not ready to give up my hatred--because what else would I feel about them? How else can I know this was an abusive situation if I don't also hate them (and myself)? I feel trapped in my feelings and in my memories, and I wish I could just forget the whole mess and focus on my loving spouse today. I did learn some valuable lessons in that old relationship--but they were hard won, and left scars that I don't know what to do with. Am I overreacting? What do I do with their harm, and my own toxicity and part in it?