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Survivor story
COCSA - how much do I hold a child responsible as an adult?
Original story
Message of Healing
Healing is hard to define - Keeping healthy relationships with myself and others. Healthy boundaries. Ability to trust and connect with myself and others in a healthy way.
I'm 35 and still processing through COCSA which occurred with my older brother (he was 13/14). I have spent a great deal of time in therapy. Things started when I was 10 and continued for 2 years. Lately, I have been wrestling with my role in it all and what type of relationship if any to keep with my brother. As it stands, we talk about once or twice a year. We used to spend a lot of time together until I became an adult and began processing things. Some days I miss him a lot. Other days I am wondering how much he was ever really a caring brother in the first place or if all the care he showed me was just a form of manipulation or driven from his own guilty conscience. Some days I question if it was even abuse at all and am left asking myself "am I just making something out of nothing?" Today I have really been wondering if I wanted it? In the beginning of things I can remember a number of times expressing hesitancy or a "no" but being talked or coerced out of it in some manner. As an adult I can even see ways that he kind of "groomed" me by slowly pushing the boundaries more and more and bribing me, but he never did threaten me or get aggressive. I think that part of the reason I gave in was because I wanted his time and attention a lot. I really looked up to him and wanted him to want to be around me. There was a lot going on in my family at that time and it felt really nice to have someone notice me. By the end of it all I would call myself a willing participant. I actually felt some degree of abandonment I think when it suddenly stopped (when he got a girlfriend). It was confusing to me and here I am still confused. I often wish I could throw out all of these questions to hear what others have to say, but who in the world could I possibly talk about it with? I worry about "outing" my brother. I don't want to ruin his life but I also worry sometimes about who he is now or if he is still acting out these patterns with anyone else. Really I just want healing for us both and for my family. I'm a mom of two and I just want to break the cycle and see him do the same.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.