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Survivor story
Broken Crown
A few days later
Mistakes and Lessons
Message to a Survivor
I know now what options there are for situations where your likeness is used without your permission. A DMCA Takedown request can end such revenge taken by a vindictive ex boyfriend, even if you are clothed in the photo.
I did not respond to discovering the website well. After many failed attempts to have it removed through complaints made to the platforms hosting the content. I resorted to contacting his family and friends with the link to the website in desperation. I could do nothing because I'm clothed in the picture and it is not recognized as sexual to anyone else but me. No one cared. In fact, some people thought I deserved it. A burner number was sending messages to me, my family, the ex fiance, and some friends to attack any known relationship, saying if I continued to speak out about the website or anything about my now ex boyfriend that they would include them in stories of abuse. I was told I should deal with him privately. When people came back to me with screenshots of what this burner number was sending to them I called my now ex boyfriend to end the harassment. He used the resulting angry texts to file an order of protection against me. Drained and not trusting the legal system to recognize this form of abuse.
Original story
Message of Healing
Healing would be a return to the person I was before I experienced the violation, Knowing how to avoid the violation again, being able to identify the violation. Even now, when I try and make sense of what happened I am confused about if the sexual act was abusive.
An ex fiance sent money to me regarding a car we leased together 3 years ago after a private discussion we had about the lease ending. I told my boyfriend that I spoke to my ex fiance but didn't tell him the specifics of the conversation. It was explained to my boyfriend earlier that my ex fiance and I made several financial decisions together that we agreed to conclude together amicably. These agreements were coming to a natural close in a few months. A month later, after several normal days of communication, my boyfriend calls me and makes impromptu plans to come over. He orders food and has it delivered. It was only one serving of food. Seconds later my boyfriend is at my door, he immediately initiates sex. After his climax he keeps his arms around me and begins to question my relationship with the ex fiance. I'm immediately uncomfortable. But he keeps his arms around me to keep my body close to his. I answer that he knows the nature of my relationship with my ex fiance. Again with his grip around my body tight he asks if I accepted money from my ex fiance. I answer honestly, "yes" , because I had told him money exchanges happen between my ex and I at the beginning of the relationship. My boyfriend immediately accused me of lying to him, released my body, and began berating me for lying. I was confused. I didn't understand the accusation. He got up and got dressed as he continued to berate me requiring quick answers to his questions, claiming he knows I lie if I pause and yelling at me more if I didn't answer quick enough. I put my clothes on too, now crying in my confusion. He had laid across my couch with his feet up and I sat down at my piano across the room feeling uncomfortable and not having an opportunity to really think about why. He sent me $800 with the message that I return the money back to my ex fiance or return his money. Feeling like I did something wrong I sent my ex fiance his money back. I showed the receipt to my boyfriend. He tried to continue the argument but he mentioned knowing the transaction happened a month before. I asked him to leave feeling uncomfortable but not being able to identify my discomfort. I know now that he planned the entire encounter because he took a picture of me crying at the piano without me knowing and shared it. It later ended up on a website strictly about me and Google searchable to my name.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.