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Survivor story
#445
Original story
Message to a Survivor
I honestly don't know if the pain ever goes away. And that's scary and not what you want to hear but it gets better. And hearing other people's stories always make me feel stronger. Even if this pain is always there, it does not define you. You will get through it.
To the multiple guys who have fucked me while I've been incredibly intoxicated and you've been sober; to the guys who go "just the tip" and keep pushing and pushing; to the guy, who after I said I didn't want to go another round, pushed me onto the bed and said it wasn't up to me anymore; to the guy who kept going when I was saying stop, who held a pillow over my face to hide my tears, who afterwards, looked me in the eyes and asked why I kept saying stop. All these men have made me feel like a stranger in my own body. I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. I take long showers because I want to scrub my skin clean of them. I have spent two years justifying their actions. I got too drunk and wanted it in the moment, I was into it at first. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over what has happened to me. Last year on the anniversary of the one case I feel confident calling rape, I couldn't get out of bed, and as that anniversary approaches again I'm expecting the same thing. I have put myself in dangerous situations and am too scared to say no. I figure if I don't say no, then it's consensual and it won't hurt as much. How messed up is that. That these men had the power to make me scared of a two letter word. I've broken down in front of guys, I still have ptsd episodes where I can't breathe. I have triggers that result in not being able to function for the rest of the day. I get nightmares where I can't move and can't yell out. I have messed up healthy relationships that have meant so much to me because I am so messed up. I haven't told my parents because I'm scared they're going to look at me differently. How do I tell my incredible mom and dad who have watched me grow up and still see me as their little girl that only a few months after they sent me to college all my innocence was stripped away. I can't handle them looking at me with that pity that everybody else does when they find out. Going home is that one constant but doing that feels so exhausting because these assaults have become such a large part of my life that I feel like I'm hiding part of myself from them.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.