#1717

I need help understanding this childhood experience of mine and how I can navigate about it. When I was 4/5 i remember a cousin of mine who was 7/8 asking me to lift the dress I had on up and to pull my underwear down. We had been outside roaming in my yard while everyone else was inside celebrating the holidays. We were on the side of my house and I recall him having me sit down exposed on a pack of open tiles we had from changing the flooring. I remember my bottom sitting on the cold tiles, I don’t remember the exact details and how it all happened but I generally remember some parts, as I get older I seem to forget and it drives me a bit mad because I don’t feel like I ever remembered what happened exactly or if the details are accurate or if my story is even worth mentioning out loud since I can’t remember exactly... but I think he was undoing his pants while I sat there, then I jsut remember having my face towards the wall and I think I was kneeling on the cold tiles now while holding myself up against the wall with my hands. Don’t remember what happened in between but my mom found us and I think I had gotten in trouble, she screamed at me I think she spanked me and took us both inside presumably? Later on when I was maybe 17 I randomly mentioned it to my mom while we were talking since she had always asked me growing up and throughout my life till that point as to why me and that cousin didn’t talk or interact with each other when we would see one another especially since we rarely saw each other but I’m assuming she thought I had forgot or wanted to know if I remembered the details or to see if I’d confide with her about it but growing up I didn’t think much of it and it wasn’t important it was more of something that just “happened” and I guess my body or self just told me to not talk to him cuz at some point I forgot why I wouldnt but Anyway I told her by starting with how she always asked me why we didn’t talk and leading into just me saying he had been weird with me when i as little & I don’t really remember her saying anything to me or reacting in any way so I moved onto another topic but some days later I overheard her talking to one of my aunts about it and she said that she remembered catching him trying to penetrate me but that he couldn’t and yet again my mom didn’t have much of a reaction . I mentioned this to my bff at the time a week or 2 after rediscovering that since I felt strange not being able to talk to some about it and I was hesitant on telling her since she would laugh at like everything but said f it to get it out my head and I remember her having tears in her eyes from laughing and I guess maybe it was the way I worded it but I felt kinda humiliated so I ultimately shrugged it off and never mentioned it again to anyone since there was not much else I can do. I’m now 20 and I’ve been reflecting & the memory resurfaced it’s felt heavy on me for some reason and it’s led me to remember other stuff that happened with other boys as I got older and if it was a result because of that situation I was in. Was he just experimenting with me as a curious kid or did he actually do something wrong? how can I put that past me and forget or how can I go about healing? Writing this out felt stupid but i have just been feeling very confused. I can’t talk with anyone about this and I don’t have money for a therapist or anything to help guide me through this so here I leave this on the internet….