Cocsa' and else So I live alone with my mom since I was 4 years old, my relationship with her has always been really great we've always been close since I was a child, as far as I can remember my childhood has been pretty good. I was bullied for a long time throught different ways and places, not once an adult stood up for me during this so I never associated this as bad nor something that had to change, it felt normal honestly. I really just remember feeling weird since I was little mainly during my 5 to my 8-9 then it became something else. I did not have many friends my presence was awkward, as far as I can remember I did not grew up pretty nor open minded, I had ideas, I may even say I was nice. My mom continued her studies when I was 6-7 so I was often away, at my grandmas place, at my cousins or at my mom's friend's place which all of them was an hour from where we lived. It was pretty bad Im not gonna lie, I missed my mom and I was skeptical about going at my aunties. I was really lonely and I've been looking for ANY kind of attention. Abuse is a big word for what it is on my opinion but it still troubles me, Im turning 19 soon. I was sexually abused multiples times. I was the most often at my Aunty's place when my mom was away she has 3 kids the youngest is 3 years older than me I really loved her and I looked up to her alot but she never seemed to be interested in playing with me, one day she asked me to come into her mom's room while everyone was away and told me she'll play with me If we played massage first, I said yes. To clarify things, she did put it inside and asked me to do the same to her, she was 10 I was 7 She did it once then twice, during the second time we were on her sister's room, she watched a video showing how to have sex and told me to do the same then nothing for a whole year she asked to do something a third time and I said no. As I said I was bullied during my whole childhood and felt pretty lonely, then I met this girl when I was 6, same age as me we became friends and my mom and I used to often hang out at her house, she was really mean to me I was very sad and often complained to her and my mom. She had lots of toys and I had to spend time with someone my age so, she wouldn't let me play with her toys if i wouldn't play mom and dad with her, as the dad in bed for more than 3 years it continued like that, I didn't realised it at first what was happening then more and more I felt guilty, I told her everything, that it was mean and that we're not supposed to do that she told me that she knew then I moved and made up a reason for my mom to actually cut ties with her. When I was 9-10 I was excessively interested in sexual acts and played weird stories with my toys, I got a phone when I turned 11 which led me to talk with strangers, lots of them asked me for naked pictures of me fully knowing I was 11 years old I used to refuse at first, then I started feeling guilty for not doing so. When I turned 12 I met a boy I really liked one year older than me, he was mean to me. I realised later that we lived right next to each other, I ended up telling him that he lived next to my place and nothing much happened since. Then he started asking for pictures, I refused because now I knew it was bad and the consequences of it but he forced it and said we could meet and do it at his place, I didn't want to, I really didn't, I never did. He continued for months then he started walking the same way as me after the bus, which he never did before because he lives behind my house and not next, several months after, we made a deal he said he'll be nice with me if we became sex partners. I finally said yes. I didn't want to and asked to change the date of the meet up multiples times until he told he'll come himself if It wasn't me, I was alone at home this time and the door couldn't lock up properly, I came myself, I was so anxious, it couldn't fit in it hurted so bad I started bleeding, he forced himself in until the top of it was in and then only he stopped, I left after that. One day I was at the swimning pool with my older cousin he was between 17 and 20, I have trouble swimming so in the adult swim I would stay close to him and we started playing I was really glad because he has always been the nicest of my cousins. He was then rubbing me up and down on his hard on dick in the water I immediately got scared and told him to stop, he acted out as if I was saying nonsense then stopped for a while and continued, I tried to get off him but he wouldn't let me go. Told me I couldn't swim so he had to keep me really close, I was really on his part and could almost feel it inside. He would walk while carrying me, his hands were on my hips as if he, really wanted me to stay just where I was. I even forgot what happened with the two girls for years and when I had flash back of what happened I got so fucking scared like "Oh so that's why Im fucked up". I never talked about what happened with the boy to anyone because I gave my consent and the act wasn't violent, still I feel really bad down there anytime anything touches me on my private part even just a pair jeans I'll get anxious and it'll hurt. This is seriously troubling me I can't help but feel mad, against me against him against anyone that has ever touched me and most importantly against my mom I think it's because I assume that she's the one to protect me and so many things has happened and she wasn't there for me or worse she was there but didn't believed me now I feel genuine goosebumps from her slightest touch and stare, I feel like she deserve all of the bad that has happened to me. But I can't tell her