When I was 13-14, I had experiences with a slightly younger peer (12-13) that involved kissing. The interactions felt confusing - the first time her head was in my lap and our faces were very close, leading to what might have been an accidental kiss. Later, she initiated kissing as a 'birthday gift' at recess, and I'm still unsure if I liked it because it was new or if I was just embarrassed about being seen. Another time when I was upset and crying, she tried to kiss me but I rejected it because I just wanted emotional comfort. After that rejection, she stopped talking to me entirely, which made me realize she wasn't interested in actual friendship. Looking back, I feel disgust and anger about these experiences, but I'm unsure if they count as COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse) since it was 'just kissing.' I also struggle with guilt about letting someone younger 'take control,' and I'm confused about whether I really liked her or just wanted intimacy. Do I have the right to feel annoyed about these experiences?

Thank you for sharing this with us. We appreciate your trust. Your feelings of confusion, disgust, and anger are completely valid, regardless of whether the interactions involved "just" kissing. At 13-14, you were navigating the early stages of understanding relationships and boundaries-- a time when comprehending and communicating about consent is still developing for everyone involved.

During early adolescence, it sounds like both parties were navigating complex emotional and physical development, which can make understanding and setting boundaries particularly challenging. The power dynamics in peer relationships during this time can be subtle and complicated. The pattern you describe - where she initiated physical contact without clear consent and seemed uninterested in emotional connection or friendship - suggests these interactions weren't mutually comfortable or desired. The fact that you specifically remember feeling uncomfortable when seeking emotional support and receiving unwanted physical advances instead is particularly significant.

COCSA encompasses a range of behaviors, including unwanted kissing or touching, especially when there's a lack of true consent or when coercion, manipulation, or power imbalances are present. While kissing can be a normal part of adolescent exploration, it becomes concerning when it's unwanted or forced upon someone. In your situation, the unsolicited advances and the way she disregarded your emotional needs could be considered a violation of your personal boundaries. Your feeling that she "took control" reflects a valid concern about autonomy in these situations.

It's natural to feel conflicted about experiences like these, especially when they happened during such formative years. The guilt you feel about a younger peer taking control is a common reaction, but it's important to understand that this doesn't diminish the impact of having your boundaries crossed. Questioning whether you "liked it" or wanted intimacy is also a common response when processing complicated encounters. Your current feelings of disgust and anger might be your adult self recognizing that these interactions didn't respect your emotional needs or boundaries.

These experiences can significantly impact how we view relationships and intimacy going forward. The fact that she stopped engaging with you entirely after you set a boundary by rejecting her kiss suggests the relationship wasn't built on mutual respect or care. Working with a mental health professional who specializes in adolescent experiences can help process these memories and emotions in a healthy way. They can help you understand how these early experiences might influence your current relationships and develop strategies for establishing and maintaining comfortable boundaries.

Remember that your emotional response to these memories is valid, regardless of the specific acts involved or the age of the other person. You have every right to feel annoyed, angry, or any other emotion about interactions that left you feeling uncomfortable or violated. Healing starts with acknowledging these feelings and understanding that your comfort and consent matter, both then and now. You're not alone in these feelings, and seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.