Is there something wrong with me? I experienced sexual touch with an older cousin when I was 5 years old, and she was 8. We were playing house and touched each other inappropriately, though neither of us understood what we were doing at the time. Years later, when I was 9, I was sexually abused by my 14-year-old male cousin who forced me to do things with him and wouldn't let me leave. I haven't told anyone about these experiences because I'm afraid they'll think I'm weird or bad. I feel like I'm an evil person who won't be accepted because of what happened. I need guidance on what to do.

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story with us. I want you to know that there's nothing wrong with you, and you are not alone in how you're feeling. What happened to you with your cousins was not your fault. As a child, you were exposed to things that you weren't ready to understand, and the responsibility for that lies with the older individuals involved, not with you. Children rely on the adults and older kids around them to set appropriate boundaries and to keep them safe. You did the best you could in situations that were confusing and beyond your control.

The first experience you described with your female cousin sounds like what experts call "sexual play" between children who don't understand the full meaning of their actions. This is developmentally common, though confusing to process later. With your male cousin, what you described sounds more like sexual abuse—he was old enough to understand what he was doing, and you were forced into activities you didn't want. The key difference is power, understanding, and consent.

Feeling confused, guilty, or even thinking of yourself as "evil" is a common reaction for many who have gone through similar experiences. But please know that you are not to blame for what happened. You were put into situations that you should never have had to face, and your feelings are a normal response to those events.

Many survivors keep these experiences secret because of shame, confusion, or fear of how others will react. This silence is very common but can make healing more difficult. It might be helpful to talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling. This could be a family member, a teacher, a school counselor, or another adult you feel safe with. There are also confidential helplines like RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) where trained staff can offer guidance specific to your situation.

Your experiences may have left you with confusing feelings, but they don't define who you are or what your future holds. Many survivors go on to lead fulfilling lives and healthy relationships after getting support. Remember that healing isn't linear—it has ups and downs—but with support, things can get better. You're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help.