I'm trying to process experiences from my first relationship and understand if what happened was sexual assault. I was 18 and in a long-distance relationship. When my then-boyfriend visited, he began touching me inappropriately without my consent. While I never explicitly said 'no' or 'stop,' I would try to deflect with excuses like 'my parents could see.' He pressured me into my first kiss, and afterward repeatedly initiated sexual touching without asking. When I expressed I wasn't ready, he would either continue or switch to a different type of touching, still without permission. During what I thought would be innocent kissing, he would suddenly escalate physically. When I expressed discomfort, he would dismiss my concerns as dramatic and continue. I consented to making out but never to the other touching. I felt pressured to participate in sexual activities because I thought it would make him stay with me. Instead, he broke up with me in August and quickly moved on to someone else. He took all my firsts - my first kiss, date, and relationship - and made them about sexual gratification. I'm struggling with guilt, feeling I should have spoken up more clearly. How do I process this trauma and stop blaming myself?

I am so sorry this happened to you. Please resist blaming yourself. What happened to you was not your fault.

While only you can decide how to define your experiences, what you've described - the pressure, the disregard for your comfort, the unwanted touching despite your clear attempts to deflect - shares many characteristics with sexual coercion and assault. The absence of a "no" is not the same as consent. Consent must be actively and enthusiastically given - it should be a clear "yes," not the absence of a clear "no." Your discomfort was evident, and he repeatedly ignored your boundaries and signals.

Many survivors blame themselves for not fighting back or saying "no" more forcefully, but our bodies respond to threatening situations in various ways. Sometimes we freeze, sometimes we try to minimize conflict, sometimes we try to manage the situation through indirect signals - all of these are normal survival responses. Your attempts to communicate your discomfort through statements like "my parents could see" or "maybe later" were valid ways of expressing your boundaries, and he chose to ignore those signals.

Your attempt to "keep him" through tolerating unwanted touch is also a common experience, especially in first relationships when we're still learning about boundaries and healthy relationship dynamics. But someone who truly cares for you would never use your affection as leverage to push past your boundaries.

It's particularly painful that these were your first experiences with romance and intimacy. Please know that these firsts being taken from you doesn't diminish your worth or your capacity for future healthy, consensual relationships. What happened was not your fault - you're someone whose boundaries were repeatedly violated by a person who should have respected them.

Moving forward in your healing process, I'd strongly encourage you to speak with a counselor who specializes in sexual trauma. They can help you process these experiences and develop tools for establishing and maintaining boundaries in future relationships. Remember that healing isn't linear, and there's no timeline for processing trauma. You deserve support and care as you work through this, and the path to healing is different for everyone. Thank you so much for trusting us with your story.