Question

I'm troubled by a childhood memory. When I was 4 or 5, I kissed an older teenager (16-17) on the cheek several times and told him I liked him. I was a very affectionate child and didn't understand concepts of inappropriate behavior. The teenager didn't react negatively. I recently recalled this and feel ashamed. I'm worried I might have perpetrated child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA), even though I was so young. How should I interpret this interaction? Was my behavior inappropriate despite my age and lack of understanding?

Answer

Thank you for sharing this sensitive memory. It's understandable that you're feeling concerned, but it's important to approach this situation with compassion for your younger self.

At 4 or 5 years old, children typically don't have the cognitive capacity to understand sexual concepts or intentionally engage in sexually abusive behavior. Your actions - kissing on the cheek and expressing affection - are generally considered normal, age-appropriate behaviors for a young child. These actions stem from innocent affection and curiosity, not sexual intent.

Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) usually involves a significant age difference, power imbalance, and more explicit sexual behaviors. In this case, you were much younger than the teenager, and your behavior was not overtly sexual.

The responsibility for maintaining appropriate boundaries in interactions between children and teenagers lies with the older individual and supervising adults, not with a 4 or 5-year-old child.

It's common for adults to feel embarrassed about certain childhood behaviors when viewed through a mature lens. However, it's crucial to remember that children should not be held to adult standards of behavior or understanding.

If this memory continues to cause you distress, it may be helpful to speak with a therapist. They can assist you in processing these feelings and understanding childhood development, which might help alleviate your concerns. Remember to be kind to yourself. It sounds like your young self was acting innocently, without any harmful intent.