I was sexually abused by an older cousin when I was around 9-11 years old. During this same period, I engaged in similar behaviors with my younger sister. The details of this time are hazy in my memory. I once asked my sister if our cousin had abused her too, and she said she didn't remember anything like that. I have no access to professional help and don't know how to navigate this situation. I've struggled with shame and worthlessness my whole life. I know I need to take responsibility for harming my sister, but I'm afraid talking to her about it will ruin our relationship. Recently, child abuse was discussed in our circle, and I felt that she remembers what happened. I think she's avoiding me now. How do I handle this without access to professional resources?

Thank you for your courage in sharing such a deeply personal experience.  Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse experience memory fragmentation and haziness - this is a normal response to trauma. Your brain was trying to protect you from overwhelming experiences. What happened with your older cousin was a violation of your trust and wellbeing. As a child between the ages of 9 and 11, you were not responsible for his actions. He was significantly older and should have protected you, not harmed you.

The cycle of abuse you describe - where someone who was abused engages in similar behaviors with others - is unfortunately common, especially among children who haven't developed the capacity to understand these behaviors. Children who act out sexually after being abused are not acting with adult intent or understanding. This doesn't erase the impact of those actions, but context matters tremendously. You were coping with your own trauma and trying to make sense of confusing experiences without the guidance or support you needed.

Your desire to take responsibility shows tremendous growth and healing. It's natural to want to make amends and address the past with your sister. Open and honest communication can be a step toward healing, but it's important to approach the conversation thoughtfully. Consider creating a safe space for this discussion - find a quiet, private time when neither of you will be interrupted. Begin by sharing how much you care about her and that you've been reflecting on your shared past. Be honest but careful with your words, acknowledging regrets without going into graphic detail that might cause distress. Let her know you're open to listening if she has anything to share, and respect her boundaries if she's not ready to talk.

Even without professional resources, there are ways to support your healing journey. Free online resources like RAINN.org offer information specifically for survivors. They also have a free chatline where you can speak to a trained professional about your experiences for free. In addition, some support groups operate online at no cost. Books about trauma recovery, like "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk or "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman, can provide valuable insights. 

Understanding that the child you were was acting from a place of confusion and harm, not malice, can help reduce shame while still acknowledging responsibility. It's understandable that you're struggling with feelings of shame and worthlessness, but please remember that you were a child navigating situations beyond your understanding and control.

Remember that healing from past traumas is a complex process that takes time. Acknowledging what happened and your feelings about it is a significant first step. Please know that you're not alone - many people have faced similar situations and have found ways to heal and rebuild relationships. Your awareness and willingness to address this thoughtfully shows tremendous strength and growth. It might not be easy, but with kindness and openness, it's possible to find a path forward that honors both your feelings and your sister's wellbeing. Thank you for trusting us with this. We appreciate you.