I was abused at the age of 5 and suppressed the memories until they came back in my early teens. I'm an adult now and despite the tremendous pain and anxiety I was going through, I didn't feel shame or guilt until recently. I had a nightmare last week with a voice telling me I was bound to become like my abuser, that I was a monster. My mind has been plagued with these thoughts ever since. It won't stop despite me logically knowing it's ridiculous. Now every time I see a child, I get horrific flashbacks of my abuse. I don't know what to do. This has never happened to me before and I'm confused as to why it happened so suddenly. I can't help but feel like a monster every time it happens. Can you help me understand what might be happening?

I'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing such distressing thoughts and feelings. It's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and confused right now. What you're experiencing is actually a common and deeply painful manifestation of trauma. First and foremost, the intrusive thoughts you're having do not make you a monster—they are a symptom of trauma, not a reflection of who you are or who you will become.

The sudden emergence of these thoughts and flashbacks may be triggered by a new life stage, increased stress, or other factors that have temporarily reduced your capacity to manage traumatic memories. When our defenses are down, trauma can resurface in new and frightening ways. Sometimes, memories and emotions connected to past trauma can resurface unexpectedly, even after many years. Nightmares and intrusive thoughts can be ways your mind is processing unresolved feelings.

The fear of becoming like your abuser is a common concern among survivors. Research consistently shows that the vast majority of survivors never become abusers. The narrative that abuse is inevitably passed down is harmful and inaccurate. Your awareness, your concern, and your moral compass actually demonstrate that you are the opposite of what you fear. The fact that these thoughts upset you so much shows that you have a strong sense of empathy and morals—the exact opposite of what you're afraid of.

These intrusive thoughts and flashbacks are your brain's way of trying to process unresolved trauma. Your brain is attempting to protect you by constantly scanning for danger, which is why seeing children might trigger flashbacks—your brain is making connections to protect you from perceived threats similar to your past trauma. This doesn't mean you would ever harm anyone. Rather, it's probably a sign that you're still healing from what happened to you. Healing is not always a linear process, and it's okay to have moments where things feel more challenging.

Some approaches that might help include: working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse, practicing grounding techniques when flashbacks occur (like naming five things you can see, four things you can touch, etc.), and reminding yourself that these thoughts are symptoms, not facts about you or your future. It might be especially helpful to reach out to a mental health professional who specializes in trauma or abuse. They can provide support and strategies to help you manage these intrusive thoughts and navigate this difficult time.

What you're experiencing is not permanent, and with appropriate support, these intrusive thoughts can diminish significantly. Many survivors have walked this difficult path and found relief. Your recognition of these thoughts as unwanted and distressing is itself evidence of your fundamental goodness and moral clarity. Remember, you're not alone in this, and there are people who can help you work through these feelings. Please be gentle with yourself. What you're experiencing is a response to trauma, not a reflection of who you are as a person. You deserve care, understanding, and support as you continue to heal. Thank you for trusting us with this, you are not alone.