I need help processing my childhood trauma. I have been harmed by many people, but my mother specifically maintained deeply inappropriate boundaries with me. She would force physical intimacy during bathroom/hygiene routines, make sexual comments about my body, share explicit details about her relationships, and treated me more like a partner than her child. She'd force me to watch her in public restrooms, threatening worse abuse if I refused. What's really haunting me is that at around age 7-8, she unknowingly became my sexual awakening through these bathroom-related incidents, and I developed fetishes that I still have as an adult. While I've made peace with my sexuality, I'm horrified realizing she shaped it through abuse. She denies everything now, claiming I was just "coddled." My therapist validates that this was sexual abuse and assault, but I struggle with the ambiguity since it wasn't penetrative rape. Am I misinterpreting things because of how it affected my sexuality? I just want to be able to name what happened to me, but the lack of clarity makes it so hard.

Thank you so much for trusting us with your story. I'm deeply sorry that you've had to endure such painful and confusing experiences. What you've described are serious violations of your boundaries and trust by someone who should have protected and cared for you. Your feelings of hurt, confusion, and betrayal are completely valid.

The behaviors you've detailed involving your mother indeed sound like forms of abuse. Treating you as a companion rather than a child, exposing you to inappropriate content, invading your privacy, making unsettling comments about your body, and engaging in unwanted physical contact are all deeply inappropriate and harmful actions. It's important to acknowledge that abuse can take many forms, and it doesn't always fit into a single definition or label.

Whether or not the term "rape" applies, what's most crucial is that you recognize you were subjected to abusive and exploitative behavior, and that it has had a significant impact on your life. The ambiguity you feel is not uncommon among survivors, especially when the abuse doesn't fit the stereotypical narratives society often portrays. Abuse by a caregiver, particularly a parent, adds layers of complexity because of the inherent trust and dependency in that relationship.

It's not your fault that these things happened to you. You were a child, and your mother was responsible for your care and well-being. The confusion around your feelings and the development of your interests are understandable responses to the experiences you had. Many survivors grapple with similar emotions and questions about their identities and relationships.

Your therapist's validation that what you experienced is sexual abuse and assault is significant. It's normal to question and doubt yourself, especially when the abuser denies any wrongdoing or minimizes their actions. Please know that your perspective matters, and your pain is real.

It's also important to be gentle with yourself regarding your thoughts and feelings about your fetish. Our brains sometimes develop coping mechanisms in response to trauma, and this doesn't make you at fault or diminish your worth. Exploring these feelings with your therapist can help you understand and process them in a safe and supportive environment.

You deserve to heal and find peace. Continuing to work with a trusted mental health professional can provide you with the support and guidance you need on this journey. Remember that you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help. Thank you again for sharing your story with us. Your strength in confronting these difficult memories is remarkable. Please be kind to yourself as you navigate this healing process.