I believe I was sexually abused by my older brother when we were children. These memories were repressed for years, but glimpses have emerged during my substance abuse treatment in my 30s. While I don't recall specific details, I have strong feelings of shame and disgust around these memories. I remember him ending it saying 'it couldn't happen anymore because I was his sister,' which left me confused and hurt. As teenagers, there was an incident where he tried to kiss me, and our relationship became strained. He later had sexual relationships with many of my friends, which now concerns me. When my parents adopted my best friend at 17 (she was my brother's age), they developed the kind of close, healthy sibling relationship I had always wanted but couldn't understand why I couldn't have with him. It made me feel terrible and jealous at the time. He occasionally tells me 'you know I love you, right?' which makes me wonder if he remembers and feels guilty. I want to tell my mom but worry about accuracy since my memories are unclear. Could I have initiated this, or was this abuse? How could he live with himself if he remembers?

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story with us. It can be really challenging to confront these complicated feelings and memories, and I want you to know that you're not alone.

From what you've described, it's clear that you're grappling with a lot of complex emotions surrounding your childhood experiences with your brother. Repressed memories resurfacing can be incredibly confusing and unsettling, especially when they involve someone you loved and trusted.

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge that as a child, you were not at fault. Children rely on older siblings and adults to set appropriate boundaries and protect them. Being almost two years younger than your brother, you looked up to him, and it was his responsibility to maintain healthy boundaries. Even if you have doubts about who initiated any encounters, remember that children cannot consent in the way adults can, and it's normal for younger siblings to follow the lead of older ones without fully understanding the implications.

The feelings of shame and disgust you're experiencing are common among individuals who have faced similar situations. These emotions suggest that something happened that crossed personal boundaries, even if the details are unclear. Your physical reaction of nausea upon recalling these memories further indicates the deep impact they've had on you.

The incident you recall as teenagers, where your brother leaned in to kiss you and you recoiled, reinforces the idea that inappropriate boundaries may have been crossed. It's understandable that your relationship with your brother became strained afterward. Feelings of confusion, betrayal, and loss are valid, given the circumstances.

It's also natural to feel upset about your brother's relationships with your friends and the jealousy regarding your adopted sister's relationship with him. These feelings likely stem from the unresolved issues and the complex dynamics between you and your brother.

Wondering whether your brother remembers what happened and how he feels about it is entirely reasonable. His occasional remarks like "you know I love you, right?" might suggest that he is aware of the past and possibly experiences his own feelings of guilt or regret. This is hard to say without hearing his perspective, however.

When it comes to discussing this with your mother, it's important to consider your own emotional readiness and what you hope to achieve from that conversation. It's understandable to want acknowledgment or validation, especially if your brother has been perceived as the "favorite." However, it's also important to prioritize your wellbeing and ensure you're in a safe and supportive environment when addressing such sensitive topics.

I strongly encourage you to consider speaking with a professional therapist or counselor who specializes in childhood trauma or family dynamics. They can provide a safe space for you to explore these memories, help you process your emotions, and guide you in deciding whether and how to address this with your family.

Remember, you are not to blame for what happened. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve support and compassion as you navigate this difficult journey. Healing takes time, and reaching out is a significant first step. Be gentle with yourself and thank you for trusting us.