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Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for this question. This is a difficult and painful topic to discuss, but it is an extremely common sentiment that people have after experiencing assault or abuse. If you experienced assault or abuse and are feeling this way, you are not alone. Many survivors struggle with these feelings of being "dirty" or disgusted with themselves, and there are several reasons why this happens.
Trauma can deeply affect how we perceive ourselves and our bodies. When our personal boundaries are violated, it can lead to a sense of contamination or a feeling that our body is no longer fully our own. This isn't true, but it's a normal reaction to an abnormal and traumatic situation.
Society also often perpetuates harmful myths and stigmas about assault and abuse, which survivors might internalize without even realizing it. This can lead to unwarranted feelings of shame or guilt, even though the abuse was absolutely not your fault.
Sometimes, the intense negative emotions associated with the traumatic event become psychologically linked to our self-image. This can result in feelings of self-directed disgust or revulsion. It's a psychological defense mechanism, but it doesn't reflect reality.
Many survivors also experience a form of cognitive dissonance. They struggle to reconcile who they were before the assault with their experiences and emotions afterwards. This internal conflict can manifest as feelings of being "dirty" or feeling tainted afterwards.
It's crucial to understand that while these feelings are common, if you are experiencing these things, they are not a reflection of who you are. You are not dirty or disgusting - you are a person who has experienced trauma. Your worth and value have not changed.
Healing from these feelings is possible. Many survivors find that working with a therapist or sharing these feelings with other survivors who understand can be incredibly helpful in processing these complex emotions. Support groups can provide a space to connect with others who understand what you're going through or even just trusting to other trusted people in your network who love and care for you.
Remember, you're not alone in experiencing these feelings, and they don't define you. You're strong for surviving and for seeking to understand these emotions. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you navigate this healing process. You deserve so much more than what you have experienced. Thank you for asking this. You are not alone.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.