Question

When I was young, I had experiences with a family member slightly younger than me (about 1.5-2 years age difference) during what began as innocent games of 'house' but evolved into inappropriate touching. While it seemed harmless at first, I became uncomfortable as it continued. When I tried to stop participating, they threatened to tell their parent about me being 'mean,' which scared me into continuing. After that, I would either participate reluctantly or dissociate during these encounters. Though these interactions lasted less than a year, I now struggle with intense shame and guilt, particularly because I was the older child. Despite my own discomfort and the coercion I experienced, I question whether I can be considered a victim since I was older. Am I actually the one at fault? How should I understand these childhood experiences - were they abuse? How do I process this guilt?

Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. Childhood experiences involving sexual exploration with peers or family members can be complex and difficult to process, especially as we grow older and gain new perspectives. Children, especially those close in age, often engage in exploratory behaviors as a part of their development. However, when these activities involve coercion, manipulation, or threats, they can become harmful.

From what you've described, it seems that your cousin pressured you into continuing a game that you no longer wanted to play, using threats to get you to comply. This indicates a power dynamic where your cousin was exerting control over you, despite the small age difference. Even though you were slightly older, it sounds like you felt scared and compelled to participate against your wishes.

It's understandable that you feel guilt and shame, questioning whether you should have stopped it sooner or if you were at fault because you were older. However, it's important to remember that as a child, you were still learning about boundaries, consent, and how to assert yourself. Children do not have the same capacity as adults to navigate these complex situations, and responsibility should not be placed on you.

Only you can decide how to interpret and label your experience, but based on what you've shared, it appears that you were pressured into participating in activities you were uncomfortable with. This suggests that you were a victim rather than a perpetrator. Feelings of shame and self-blame are common among after these experiences, but please know that you are not at fault for what happened.

It might be helpful to speak with a mental health professional who can provide support and guidance as you process these feelings. A therapist can help you work through your emotions, understand the impact of these experiences on your life, and assist you in finding healing and self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these complex emotions. Thank you again for sharing your story. You are not alone, and support is available to help you through this.