When I was around 9, a female friend and I engaged in sexual exploration together, like humping and rubbing against each other. I was usually the "top" but sometimes felt uncomfortable and worried she might do things to me I didn't want. I feel confused and disgusted with myself. Was this child-on-child sexual abuse? Am I a harmer, a victim, or both?

Thank you so much for reaching out to us with this question. I would imagine this situation is extremely confusing and distressing for you. While only you can define your experiences, what you're describing sounds like sexual exploration between children, which is a normal part of development for many kids. Curiosity about bodies and sex play, like humping and rubbing, is common in childhood. Because it was with another girl, you may be feeling additional shame or confusion, but same-gender exploration is also very typical and not abnormal.

The fact that you were often the "top" or initiator doesn't make you a harmer or abuser. You were a child yourself, likely acting on natural curiosities and impulses. At the same time, if there were moments where you felt uncomfortable or pressured to do things you didn't want to, your friend may have crossed some boundaries. It's a complex situation that only you can label.

The fact that these memories feel so distressing and you're questioning your role suggests the experiences may have felt violating or traumatic for you, even if you participated willingly at times. If she pressured you into sexual acts you didn't want, that wasn't okay.

If these experiences are still distressing you and raising a lot of difficult questions, it may be helpful to process them further with a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual development and trauma. They can help you work through the complicated emotions and find a sense of peace.

Please be compassionate with your childhood self. From what you shared with me it does not sound like you did anything wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Many children explore sexually without understanding what they're doing. If the experiences felt abusive and continue bothering you, I'd encourage you to process this with a counselor who can help you work through the shame and self-blame. You deserve support. Thank you again for asking this question. You are not alone.