When I was 12, four boys (one my best friend) repeatedly made rape jokes, including about me. Later they played 'Tickle Torture' with me, holding me down despite my protests and attempts to escape. While I don't remember if I was touched inappropriately, it felt scary, painful, and vaguely sexual. People call this assault, but I'm unsure how to define it. What was this?

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience and seeking help in understanding it. It's completely natural to struggle with defining or labeling past experiences, especially ones that felt confusing or violated our boundaries.

What you're describing contains several concerning elements: the rape jokes targeting you, being physically restrained against your will, continuing despite your clear protests, and the experience feeling scary and sexual in nature. When someone says "no" or tries to get away, continuing physical contact is a violation of consent, regardless of what the contact is labeled as. "Tickling" can sometimes be used to dismiss or minimize unwanted touching, but the intent or label doesn't change the impact of having your bodily autonomy violated.

Not remembering all the details is very common when we experience frightening situations - our brains sometimes protect us by not storing every aspect clearly. Your feelings of fear and discomfort, both then and now, are valid responses to having your boundaries violated. While only you can decide how to define this experience, what you've described includes multiple elements of a physical violation - being held down, continuing despite protests, and unwanted touching that caused pain and fear.

If you'd like support in processing this experience, speaking with a trauma-informed counselor could be helpful. They can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and help you understand the impact of this experience without pressuring you to label it in any particular way. 

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.