Question

Two years ago my teacher started grooming me and started an inappropriate relationship with me. I had liked him for years so I was excited, but the first time he ever touched me he didn't ask for consent and put his hands where he wanted. I was uncomfortable but didn't say anything cause we were in public. Later he took my virginity. For almost a year we had a "relationship" but then we got caught and he went to jail. I still miss him and think about all the stuff that happened. I can't get over him and hope to see him one day. I now hate how I look and feel like I got so much uglier and annoying. And I don't know what to do cause I've tried everything to cope but nothing helps. How can I understand why I'm feeling this way and start feeling better?

Answer

Thank you for sharing your story and complex feelings with us. Your struggle to process what happened to you makes complete sense. Missing someone who hurt you, even wanting to see them again, is an extremely common response to this type of relationship - especially when it involved someone in a position of trust like a teacher.

The strong feelings you still have are understandable because these relationships often create powerful emotional bonds. You admired him for years, and when he showed interest, it likely felt exciting and validating. When teachers initiate inappropriate relationships, they typically do so gradually, building trust and connection before introducing physical elements. This can make the feelings extremely confusing and hard to let go of, even when we understand the relationship wasn't appropriate.

Your brain might be remembering the excitement and positive attention while also trying to process the discomfort you felt when he touched you without consent. This creates a really difficult internal conflict - missing someone while also dealing with memories of times you felt uncomfortable but unable to speak up. These mixed feelings are a normal response to a very complex situation.

What you're experiencing with your self-image - feeling "uglier and annoying" - is also unfortunately very normal reaction. These feelings aren't a reflection of your true worth or attractiveness, but rather a response to a complicated and traumatic situation. Many people experience similar changes in how they see themselves after such relationships, but these feelings can improve with support and time.

There are several ways to work through these complex emotions and begin healing. For example, for improving your self-image, start with small acts of self-care that make you feel good. This might be wearing clothes that make you comfortable, doing your hair in a way you like, or engaging in physical activities that help you feel connected to your body in a positive way. Consider keeping a journal where you write down one thing you like about yourself each day - it doesn't have to be about appearance.

When negative thoughts arise about being "uglier" or "annoying," try to notice these thoughts without judgment, and then practice gentle self-talk. You might say to yourself, "I'm having a hard thought about my appearance right now, but I know these feelings were influenced by what happened." Sometimes it helps to imagine what you would say to a friend in your situation.

For managing the urge to see him, consider creating a list of reasons why maintaining no contact helps protect you. When you feel the urge to see him, read this list and remind yourself of why you're choosing to prioritize your healing. You might also try writing letters you never send - this can help process feelings without actually making contact.

Working through trauma bonds (the strong emotional connection you feel) takes time. Understand that these bonds form because of the intensity of the experience, not because the relationship was healthy. When you find yourself remembering positive moments, try to gently remind yourself of the complete picture, including moments of discomfort and times when your boundaries weren't respected.

For day-to-day coping, create a "comfort box" with items that help you feel safe and calm - perhaps a soft blanket, calming scents, favorite music, photos of happy memories with friends or family, or objects that remind you of your strength. Turn to these items when feelings become overwhelming.

Remember that what happened wasn't your fault in any way. Having feelings for a teacher doesn't make you responsible for their choice to cross boundaries. The fact that you felt excited about his attention is completely normal - many young people develop crushes on teachers. The responsibility was his to maintain appropriate boundaries, regardless of your feelings.

Consider working with a counselor who specifically understands these types of relationships. They can provide a safe space to explore your feelings without judgment and help you develop additional tools for managing difficult memories and thoughts. Remember that recovery isn't linear - you might find some strategies work better than others, or that different approaches help on different days. The key is to be patient with yourself as you discover what works best for you.

Your feelings are valid, no matter how complex they seem, and with support, you can work through them and rediscover your sense of self-worth. Healing takes time, and it's okay to have complicated feelings.  Surround yourself with supportive people who care about your wellbeing, and know that with time and support, you can move forward while honoring your experience and emotions. Thank you for trusting us with this question. You are not alone.