Question

My friend's older brother (13 years older) came into my room during a vacation. I woke up to him rubbing my leg and he got on top of me. I am unsure if or where he finished-- I was frozen and stared at the ceiling the entire time. The night before, he touched me inappropriately but I dismissed it as him being drunk. Months later, I keep remembering that I felt aroused at one point during the assault. This causes me guilt and makes me question if it was really assault. I also get 'butterflies' when thinking about it despite the trauma. Is this normal?

Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. While I hesitate to label your experience for you, based on the details you shared I would say what you experienced was sexual assault. Your friend's older brother committed a predatory act - beginning while you were asleep, following inappropriate touching the night before. Your distress about this is completely justified and valid.

Many survivors experience confusing, even contradictory responses to trauma. Physical arousal and "butterflies" are involuntary physiological reactions that many survivors experience - they don't indicate consent or desire. Our bodies respond to touch and fear in ways outside our control. The freeze response you described - being unable to move and staring at the ceiling - is also a common survival mechanism.

It's natural to feel shame, guilt, confusion, and anxiety about these responses. Some survivors experience attraction alongside revulsion, physical pleasure alongside emotional pain. These feelings don't make the assault any less real or wrong. Having complicated feelings doesn't mean you wanted it to happen or that you're somehow responsible. These are normal responses to an abnormal situation.

Processing trauma isn't simple or linear. In addition, labeling your experiences for the first time can bring on a whole other cascade of emotions. I would suggest reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist to help you understand these complex physical and emotional responses in a safe environment. They can help you navigate the complicated feelings that arise as you continue to process this experience. What happened to you was not your fault and was not okay. Wishing you luck on your healing journey.