Question

In middle school, I experienced sexual abuse from other boys while being bullied. I didn't fully understand what was happening or if it was wrong - I was mostly afraid of being made fun of. Later, I repeated these behaviors with my younger brothers, not understanding the implications but reenacting what was done to me. This stopped after my father showed me porn. Now at 18, I'm overwhelmed with guilt and regret about what I did to my brothers. I can't forgive myself and wonder if they remember. I want to tell them someday and hope they can forgive me. Does this make me an abuser? Am I a bad person? The guilt is consuming me.

Answer

Thank you for having the courage to share such a difficult experience with us. The pain and regret in your words are clear, and your desire to understand and make amends shows deep care.

Let's first acknowledge that you were a child who experienced sexual abuse yourself, in a context where you were already vulnerable due to bullying. When children experience sexual abuse, they often don't have the framework to understand what's happening to them. Your focus on avoiding ridicule rather than understanding the nature of the acts reflects how young and confused you were at the time.

The cycle you describe - experiencing abuse and then repeating learned behaviors - is unfortunately common in childhood sexual abuse situations. This doesn't excuse the harm, but it helps explain why it happened. Children who experience sexual behaviors often reenact them as they try to process their experiences, especially when they haven't received help understanding or coping with their own abuse. Your father's introduction of pornography added another layer of inappropriate sexual exposure to an already complex situation. It's significant that this exposure helped you recognize these behaviors needed to stop, but it was also another form of adult failure to protect you and provide appropriate guidance.

The guilt you are feeling now shows your growing understanding of the impact of these actions. However, it's important to recognize that you were also a child at the time, acting out behaviors that were done to you without adult intervention or support. This doesn't make you a "bad person" - it makes you someone who was caught in a cycle of trauma at a young age. Your desire to eventually tell your brothers and seek their forgiveness shows maturity and accountability.

Before having conversations with your brothers, it would be valuable to work with a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual trauma. They can help you process your own experiences of abuse, understand the cycle of trauma that occurred, and develop appropriate ways to address this with your brothers if and when the time comes. Professional support can also help you learn healthy ways to cope with guilt while taking responsibility, and work toward self-forgiveness while maintaining accountability.

Remember that healing from these experiences - both your own abuse and your actions toward your brothers - is a process that takes time. Your recognition of the harm and desire to prevent others from similar experiences shows that you've grown and learned from this situation. You don't have to carry this burden alone, and there are professionals who understand these complex situations and can help guide you through this healing process. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.