Question

I'm struggling with OCD/POCD and I'm worried about something I did at age 11-12 while watching my baby sister (age 1-2). Due to my own sexual trauma from cousins and online grooming, I developed hypersexual behaviors. When supervising my sister in the bathroom, I would masturbate while she played with toys. I would tell her to leave me alone when she seemed confused or curious. I recently learned that sexual behavior around children can be considered CSA, and I'm terrified that what I did was wrong. I would never touch a child inappropriately, but I'm scared about whether my past behavior was harmful. For context, I was a child myself dealing with untreated trauma.

Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story with us. It takes a lot of courage to speak about something that's been weighing heavily on your mind, and I want you to know that you're not alone.

First, it's crucial to recognize that at age 11-12, you were also a child coping with significant untreated trauma. Sexual trauma during childhood can lead to various coping mechanisms and behaviors, including hypersexuality and persistent thoughts about sex, as the brain tries to process confusing experiences. Your response to trauma wasn't your fault, and recognizing this now shows growing awareness and maturity.

Children who have experienced sexual trauma often develop complicated relationships with sexual behaviors, sometimes engaging in age-inappropriate behaviors without fully understanding their implications. This doesn't make you a perpetrator - it makes you a child who needed help processing your own trauma and managing its effects. Masturbation itself is a natural behavior during puberty, but trauma can affect how and when these natural developmental processes express themselves.

The situation you describe reflects several important contextual factors. You were a young child yourself, managing untreated trauma while being placed in a caregiving role at a very young age. You attempted to maintain boundaries by seeking privacy and asking for space, even though the circumstances made this difficult. Importantly, you did not involve your sister in any sexual activity or inappropriate touching. While the behavior wasn't ideal, you were doing your best to cope with complex feelings and physical responses without proper support or guidance.

It's also important to recognize that your concern shows empathy and a strong moral compass. The fact that you're reflecting on this and worried about its impact indicates that you care deeply about others and want to do what's right.

Moving forward, working with a trauma-informed therapist could help you process your own childhood trauma, understand childhood sexual behaviors in the context of trauma, manage OCD/POCD symptoms, and develop healthy coping strategies. They can provide a safe space to explore these complex feelings without judgment and help you work through the intrusive thoughts that are causing you distress.

Seeking to understand past behaviors and their impacts shows responsibility and maturity. You're not defined by actions that occurred when you were a child dealing with trauma, and your current reflection demonstrates personal growth and genuine care for others' wellbeing. Be gentle with yourself as you work through these complex feelings. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.