Question

I'm struggling with a traumatic childhood memory. When I was 13, my mother forced me to undress so she could shave my pubic area and armpits, despite my protests. I was naked, extremely uncomfortable, and asked her to stop three times, but she continued. I never consented to anyone touching these private areas of my body. Was this sexual abuse, or am I overanalyzing this experience?

Answer

Thank you for sharing this deeply personal experience with us. First, I want to validate your feelings and concerns. What happened to you sounds like a violation of your bodily autonomy and personal boundaries. When a child clearly expresses discomfort and repeatedly asks someone to stop touching their private areas, continuing anyway is absolutely wrong and can be harmful. It does not sound like you are overthinking this - your feelings of trauma and distress are completely valid.

Only you have the right to label your experience, so while I cannot say for certain if what happened to you was sexual abuse, I can say that the story you shared contains details that are concerning and may be aligned with that definition. I will provide more information below about what constitutes a violation of consent and boundaries, but the power to define your experience belongs solely to you.

This situation was particularly complex because it involved your mother, someone who should have protected your boundaries rather than violated them. Parents sometimes justify inappropriate touching through claims of hygiene or care, but at 13, you were old enough to manage your own personal hygiene. Forcing you to undress and touching intimate areas of your body against your clearly stated wishes sounds like a violation of your consent and bodily autonomy.

It's understandable that you're trying to make sense of this experience now. Many survivors question their experiences, especially when they involve family members or when the abuse was framed as "care." This questioning doesn't mean it wasn't abuse - in fact, it's a very common response to childhood trauma.

I am wondering if you are considering sharing the feelings you had about this experience with your mother now that you are older. If you're considering this, know that this is entirely your choice and should be approached only if and when you feel ready. I will provide some strategies to do this below, just in case this becomes something you want to do in the future.

Some people find it helpful to write their feelings down first to organize their thoughts, while others prefer to have these conversations in a safe space, possibly with a therapist present. Using "I" statements to express how the experience affected you can be valuable, and it's important to set clear boundaries about the conversation, including being prepared to end it if it becomes too overwhelming. Having support lined up for after the conversation is crucial, whether that's a friend, therapist, or counselor. Remember that you don't owe anyone forgiveness or acceptance of their justifications.

Whether or not you choose to address this with her, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood abuse could help you process this experience and its impact on your life. They can help you develop coping strategies, work through your fears about the future, and support what you might need going forward. Remember that what happened wasn't your fault, and your discomfort both then and now is completely valid. Your healing journey is your own, and whether you choose to confront this with your mother or process it privately, your feelings and choices are valid. I hope this helped at least a little bit. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.