Question

I was raped a month ago. I previously posted here and received incredibly supportive responses that made me feel less alone, so I hope it's okay to ask another question. Since the assault, he asks for sexual activities and I find myself unable to say no, even sometimes initiating contact like kisses. And then when he asks for other things, I feel less disgust, but more of an I don’t care what happens. Almost empty, I guess. Partially I think I do it to feel like I’m trying to prove that I’m better than what he did to me. Which sounds stupid, and counterintuitive now that I’m saying it. Sometimes I have flashbacks but push through them. I’ve always been someone who has thought of my virginity as something special, and now that it was taken from me the way it was, I feel numb, and don’t really give a shit. Is this normal?

Answer

Thank you for reaching back out. I'm glad our previous response helped you feel less alone. When we feel isolated after trauma, having even a small sense of connection or understanding can make a meaningful difference. I want you to know that your feelings matter and that reaching out, even when it's difficult, shows remarkable courage.

The numbness you describe - that feeling of being detached - is something many survivors experience as they process trauma. While these feelings serve a protective purpose, they can also feel unsettling and confusing to navigate. Please know that however you're feeling right now is valid, and you deserve support as you work through these complex emotions.

After experiencing sexual violence, many survivors find their minds and bodies respond in ways that can feel confusing or contradictory. The emotional emptiness you describe - that feeling of not caring what happens - is something many survivors go through. Mental health professionals often call this kind of protective emotional distance "dissociation," where the mind creates space from overwhelming feelings to help cope.

When you describe initiating contact while feeling unable to break away, know that many survivors report similar experiences. This complex dynamic, which therapists sometimes call "trauma bonding," often emerges as the mind tries to process what happened and search for ways to regain control. Your insight about trying to prove something to yourself shows deep self-awareness. Rather than being "stupid," this reflects your mind's natural attempts to make sense of what happened.

The flashbacks you experience during intimate moments are also something many survivors report. While pushing through them might provide temporary relief, this is like putting a bandage on a wound that needs deeper care. Your mind might be trying to process the experience, even as you try to move past it. These might be signals that your mind and body needs care and attention.

The shift in how you view your virginity - from something special to feeling numb about it - is an experience other survivors have shared too. Sometimes our minds find ways to distance us from painful emotions as a form of self-protection. 

All of these responses - the inability to say no, the initiating of contact, the numbness, the flashbacks, the complex feelings about virginity - are normal reactions to an abnormal and traumatic situation. However, while normal, these responses can be harmful to your long-term healing if they continue without proper support.

Consider speaking with a counselor who specializes in supporting sexual assault survivors. They can help you understand these experiences and develop ways to cope that feel right for you. They can also provide a safe space to process your emotions and work through these complex feelings at your own pace. You don't have to figure this out alone. 

The National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-HOPE) is available 24/7 with counselors who understand these experiences. You can also talk to a counselor online if that is more comfortable for you or reach out to your local sexual assault center. 

What happened was not your fault, and your current feelings and reactions don't make your experience any less valid. You deserve so much more than what you have experienced. Thank you for reaching back out to us. You are not alone.