Question

I think I have feelings of love toward the person who abused me and I'm struggling to understand and cope with these emotions. Can you help me make sense of this?

Answer

Thank you for sharing something so personal and challenging. Having feelings of love toward someone who has caused harm is an experience that many survivors face, and it often creates deep confusion and internal conflict. 

When abuse occurs within relationships, our emotional responses become incredibly complex. Our brains and hearts can hold seemingly contradictory feelings simultaneously - both care or attachment alongside fear or hurt. This is particularly common when the abuse occurred within a relationship that also had moments of connection, kindness, or care, or when the abusive person played an important role in our lives.

Over time, our emotional connections can become deeply intertwined with harmful experiences, making it difficult to separate the feelings of attachment from the reality of abuse. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you for having these feelings. Instead, it reflects how human emotions and relationships rarely fit into simple categories of all good or all bad.

Abusive relationships often involve cycles of manipulation, affection, and harm, which can create powerful emotional bonds. These patterns can make our feelings even more complicated, as moments of kindness or connection get woven together with experiences of hurt. This interweaving of positive and negative experiences can create what mental health professionals sometimes call "trauma bonding," where feelings of attachment develop as a way of coping with and surviving difficult situations.

These feelings of love might exist for many reasons. Perhaps there were genuine positive moments in the relationship. Maybe the abuse occurred within a bond that was meaningful to you. Or possibly your brain developed attachment as a survival mechanism - a way to cope with and make sense of a challenging situation. Understanding where these feelings come from can help reduce shame or self-judgment about experiencing them.

What's most important to understand is that having feelings of love doesn't invalidate the reality of abuse, nor does it mean you need to act on these feelings or maintain contact. It's possible to acknowledge these emotions while still making choices that prioritize your safety and well-being. Your feelings are valid, but your safety and healing should come first.

Moving forward often requires building a strong support network. Consider reaching out to trusted friends, family members, or professional counselors who can provide a safe space to explore these complex emotions without judgment. Having people who can listen and validate your experience while helping you maintain healthy boundaries can make a significant difference in your healing journey.

You're not alone in experiencing these complicated feelings. Many survivors grapple with similar emotions, and there is support available to help you process them in a way that promotes your healing and wellbeing. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. We appreciate you.