Question

I still have feelings for my abuser. He showed me so much attention and was so kind in the beginning, and it slowly was withdrawn. And then he assaulted me, and I still feel like if I do the right things he might care about me again. He will randomly show glimpses of how it used to be, and then go back to how it is now. He’s leaving, and I know it’s dramatic, but I feel like my world is ending and I’ll never do better than him, when he leaves. I feel pathetic having these feelings towards him after what he’s done to me. What do I do?

Answer

Thank you for sharing these complex and painful feelings. The emotions you're experiencing - longing for the person who hurt you, hoping to regain those early moments of care, feeling like you'll never find better - are incredibly common responses to abuse, even though they might feel confusing or shameful.

What you're describing reflects a pattern often seen in abusive relationships where periods of kindness and attention are mixed with withdrawal and harm. This intermittent reinforcement - those random glimpses of how things used to be - can create an incredibly powerful emotional bond. When kindness is unpredictable, we often try harder to earn it back, believing if we just do the "right things," we can recapture those early good moments.

These feelings don't make you pathetic at all. Your brain is responding naturally to a complex situation where care and harm became intertwined. The early attention and kindness you received were real experiences that met genuine needs for connection and validation. The fact that this person later used that connection to cause harm doesn't erase the reality of those earlier feelings or make your current emotions any less valid.

His upcoming departure likely feels especially threatening because abuse often impacts our sense of self-worth and future possibilities. When an abuser has made us feel like their attention is something we need to earn, or that we're lucky to have them, the prospect of their absence can feel devastating - even when part of us knows the relationship is harmful.

Please know that these feelings of attachment can exist alongside the reality of the harm done to you. Having caring feelings toward someone who hurt you doesn't minimize the abuse or make you less worthy of healthy, consistent love. These complex emotions are a sign of your capacity for connection, not a weakness.

Moving forward, it's important to remember that the glimpses of former kindness he shows are likely part of the pattern of control, not genuine change. Real care is consistent and doesn't require you to earn it through specific behaviors. You deserve relationships where affection and attention are freely given, not used as tools of manipulation.

As you face his departure, consider focusing on small, manageable steps to support yourself. This might include establishing daily routines that help you feel grounded, reconnecting with friends or family who can offer healthy support, or finding ways to express your feelings through writing or art. It's okay to grieve the loss of the relationship - including the good moments - while also taking steps to protect yourself from further harm.

Building a sense of self separate from his validation takes time. Start by noticing your own preferences, interests, and strengths that exist independently of his approval. This might mean reconnecting with activities you enjoyed before him, setting small personal goals, or simply practicing self-compassion when those feelings of unworthiness arise. Remember that his treatment of you reflects his issues, not your worth.

Some survivors find it helpful to work with a counselor who understands abusive relationships, particularly during the transition period after an abuser leaves. They can help you process both the grief and relief that might come up, while supporting you in rebuilding trust in yourself and your judgment.

Remember: feeling attachment to someone who hurt you is a normal human response to a painful situation. You're not alone in these feelings, and with support, you can move toward relationships that offer the consistent care and respect you deserve. Healing takes time, and it's okay to have complicated feelings as you navigate this process. Thank you for trusting us with this very real experience many people go through. We appreciate your trust.