Question

I need help understanding if my childhood experience would be considered COCSA. When I was around 9-10 years old, my slightly older male cousin initiated inappropriate exposure between himself, myself, and another female cousin (who was slightly younger than me). While all three of us were involved, I remember feeling uncomfortable and trying to turn away. The other cousin seems less affected by these events than I am. I'm wondering if this situation would be classified as COCSA, given our similar ages and the nature of what occurred.

Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. Childhood experiences involving sexual behaviors can indeed be confusing and can affect us differently as we grow older. What you've described involves situations that made you uncomfortable, and it's completely valid to feel affected by those memories.

Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) typically refers to sexual activities between children that are not appropriate for their age or developmental stage, especially when there is an element of coercion, manipulation, or a significant power imbalance. Some factors that can distinguish COCSA from normal childhood curiosity and exploration include:

• Age or Developmental Differences: A significant age gap or difference in maturity between the children involved.
• Coercion or Pressure: One child persuading, pressuring, or forcing another child to engage in sexual activities.
• Non-Consensual Behavior: One child feeling uncomfortable, scared, or unwilling to participate but feeling unable to refuse.
• Secrecy and Shame: Being told to keep the activity a secret or feeling ashamed about what happened.

In your situation, even though your cousins were close in age to you, you mentioned that your cousin tried to get you to look at his private parts and wanted you to show yours. You also recall not wanting to participate and turning away from the situation. This indicates that you were uncomfortable and did not consent to this behavior. The fact that you remember feeling this way is important.

It's also understandable that you feel more affected by this experience than your other cousin. Everyone processes and reacts to experiences differently, and that's okay. Your feelings are valid, and it's important to acknowledge them.

Only you can decide how to label or interpret this experience. While your male cousin was also only a child himself, that does not mean what he did has not impacted you negatively.  Above all, it's important to recognize that you were not at fault for what happened.

If this memory is causing you distress or affecting you in any way, it might be helpful to talk to a mental health professional who can provide support and guidance as you process these feelings. They can offer a safe space for you to explore your emotions and help you understand how this experience may have impacted you and what to call it going forward.

We appreciate you reaching out to us. You are not alone and your experiences are important.