Question

I need help processing hazy memories of childhood experiences with my older female cousin (3 years older) and later an older neighbor friend. Both initiated intimate physical contact through "games" involving touching and role-play scenarios. With my cousin, this happened during bath time and in private spaces. While she typically initiated, I did once nonverbally initiate contact. With my neighbor friend, similar incidents occurred during swimming and playtime. Afterward, I looked up inappropriate content online, which another cousin discovered. I'm struggling with shame about these experiences, particularly about the time I initiated. While I don't resent my cousin (whom I still see), I believe these experiences affected me negatively. I'd appreciate perspective on understanding these childhood experiences and their impact.

Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your story and trusting us with these deeply personal memories. It's completely understandable that you're feeling confused and unsettled about these past experiences, especially since they involve close relationships and blurred boundaries during your childhood.

Childhood memories, especially when they're hazy and involve complex emotions, can be difficult to process. It's not uncommon to feel shame or discomfort when reflecting on past interactions that involved sexual exploration, particularly when there were age differences or when the activities were initiated by someone older.

From what you've described, it seems like your older cousin and neighbor initiated games that involved intimate behaviors when you were younger. Even though they might not have been forceful, the fact that they were older and initiated these activities could have created a power imbalance between you. This can sometimes contribute to feelings of confusion or violation later on, even if things didn't feel overtly wrong at the time.

It's important to recognize that children often don't fully understand the implications of their actions and may be exploring out of curiosity or mimicking behaviors they've seen elsewhere. This doesn't excuse inappropriate behavior, but it can help explain why it happened.

Your feelings of shame, confusion, and discomfort are completely valid. It's okay to feel uneasy about these memories, and it's understandable that they might still affect you today. The fact that you still see your cousin and feel unsettled suggests that these experiences have had a lasting impact on you.

I want you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way. Many people have had similar experiences and grapple with unresolved feelings about their childhood interactions. It's brave of you to reach out for clarity and support.

It might be helpful to talk to a trusted mental health professional about these feelings and memories. A therapist can provide a safe space for you to explore these unresolved emotions, help you make sense of what happened, and support you in your healing process. They can also assist you in addressing any lingering shame and develop strategies to cope with your feelings when you see your cousin.

Remember to be gentle with yourself as you navigate these complex emotions. Healing takes time, and it's okay to seek help when you need it. You're taking important steps toward understanding and processing your experiences, and that's something to be proud of. We appreciate you trusting us with this. You are not alone.