I have OCD and am struggling with intrusive thoughts about two childhood sexual experiences: At ages 11-16, I had multiple encounters with a younger cousin (4 years younger) involving mutual touching. I eventually ended this behavior. She's since expressed it was from childhood curiosity and holds no resentment. My therapists suggest this was experimentation rather than abuse, but online information about childhood-on-childhood sexual abuse (COCSA) has left me confused. Earlier, at age 9-10, I had a similar experience with another cousin (12-13). It was mutual and driven by curiosity, without force. She's acknowledged it was experimental behavior. Both experiences now cause me distress. Were these instances of abuse or age-appropriate sexual experimentation? How can I process these memories, especially given my OCD?

Thank you for reaching out and sharing these deeply personal experiences. It's understandable that you're feeling confused and seeking clarity about events from your childhood. Many people grapple with similar questions, especially when reflecting on youthful experiences that involved curiosity and exploration.

Childhood sexual exploration often occurs as children and adolescents navigate their understanding of their own bodies and boundaries. This exploration is typically characterized by mutual agreement, closeness in age and maturity, the absence of coercion or manipulation, and a shared sense of curiosity.

On the other hand, child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) usually involves a power imbalance, coercion, manipulation, or significant age or developmental differences between the individuals involved. Key indicators of COCSA can include:

• Age or Developmental Differences--A notable gap in age or maturity levels between the individuals.
• Power Imbalance--One person exercising authority or control over the other.
• Coercion or Manipulation--Persuading or pressuring someone to engage in activities they're uncomfortable with.
• Secrecy and Shame--Being told to keep the activities a secret or experiencing feelings of guilt and shame afterward.
• Lack of Mutual Consent--One person not fully understanding or agreeing to the activities.

From what you described, you and your cousin, who was four years younger, engaged in mutual activities over several years. You mentioned that these interactions were mutual and that you eventually set boundaries, which she respected. With the other cousin slightly older than you, you both explored out of curiosity, and there was no indication of coercion or pressure.

It's important to recognize that feelings of guilt or distress can arise even from mutual exploration, especially as we gain new perspectives with age. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to reflect on these experiences with new understanding.

Your mental health professionals have indicated that these incidents were likely childhood sexual experimentation, not abuse. They are trained to assess these situations and provide guidance based on psychological principles and developmental understanding. Also, both cousins have expressed that they held no ill intentions and were also curious at the time. They have acknowledged the experiences and shared remorse if they caused any discomfort.

Given that you're coping with OCD, it's natural that these memories might become a focus of your thoughts. Intrusive thoughts and rumination are common symptoms, and it's important to continue working with your mental health team to address these concerns.

Here are some steps you might consider:

1. Continue therapy--Keep engaging with your psychologist and psychiatrist. They can provide strategies to manage obsessive thoughts and help you process these memories in a healthy way.
2. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques--Practices like mindfulness meditation can help you stay present and reduce the impact of intrusive thoughts.
3. Journaling--Writing down your thoughts and feelings might help you process them more effectively.
4. Education--Reading reputable sources about childhood development and sexual exploration may provide additional insight and reassurance.

You're not alone in this journey, and reaching out for guidance is a strong and positive step forward. Take care of yourself, and trust in the support network you've built with your mental health professionals. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone