Question

I feel lost. I experienced what I believe was rape by a coworker. I clearly said no, but he proceeded anyway. Though it was brief and he stopped when I said no a second time, I was a virgin at the time. Afterwards, he pressured me into other sexual acts, claiming there had been a 'misunderstanding.' I'm struggling to process this - was this assault, or could it have been a misunderstanding as he claims? I'm having nightmares and must see him daily at work, where he sometimes makes jokes about what happened. While I could leave my job, I'm resistant to more upheaval in my life. I'm also experiencing confusing feelings - a desire to prove my worth to him beyond this incident, which fills me with shame. Are these normal reactions? How can I move forward?

Answer

Wow, what a terrible thing to have experienced. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you've described is a deeply distressing and traumatic experience, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling lost and conflicted.

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge that you clearly said "no," and he chose to ignore your refusal and proceed anyway. Consent must be enthusiastic, ongoing, and can be withdrawn at any time. If someone continues with any form of sexual activity after you've said no, that is not a misunderstanding—it is sexual assault or rape. The length of time it lasted or the fact that you were a virgin doesn't change the seriousness of what happened.

The fact that he then asked you to perform a sexual act to "calm him down" further shows a disregard for your feelings and autonomy. This behavior is manipulative and places unjust blame and responsibility on you for his actions. Additionally, his choice to joke about the incident at work is not only disrespectful but also a form of harassment, which can compound your feelings of distress.

Feeling confused, ashamed, or even questioning whether it was your fault are very common reactions among survivors of sexual assault. The overwhelming need to prove yourself to him—to feel "good enough"—is also a natural response. Sometimes, victims try to regain a sense of control or worth by seeking approval from the person who hurt them. Please know that these feelings do not make you disgusting or shameful; they are normal responses to trauma.

It's important to remind yourself that what happened was not your fault. You did nothing wrong, and you didn't deserve to be treated this way. Your feelings of discomfort and the nightmares you're experiencing are valid responses to what you've been through.

Considering that he's your coworker, and you have to see him every day, I can understand why quitting your job feels overwhelming. However, your wellbeing is paramount. It might be helpful to explore options that could make your work environment feel safer. This could include speaking with a trusted supervisor or human resources representative about the situation. Many workplaces have policies in place to address harassment and can offer support or accommodations.

I encourage you to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a professional who can provide support. Speaking with someone who understands trauma can help you process your feelings and navigate the complexities of your situation. You could also talk to counselors at RAINN if you want direct help from a professional.

Remember, you deserve to feel safe, respected, and heard. Healing takes time, and it's okay to ask for help. You're not alone. Thank you for trusting us with this.