I experienced childhood sexual abuse that affected my later relationships. In my 20s, I was raped after someone deliberately drugged me until I couldn't respond - I have partial memories and woke with bruises where he held my arms down. Years later, in my 30s, after only a few drinks at a club, I became severely intoxicated and lost several hours of memory. My last memory is of a man in a sports car approaching me, then nothing until I came to in an unfamiliar area. I filed a police report about being drugged, but nothing came of it. For weeks after, I felt uncontrollable fear seeing men in public. I've tried to piece together what happened, but I'm unsure if my memories are real or if I'm filling in gaps based on my previous assault. Am I experiencing trauma symptoms, and does this suggest I was assaulted?

Wow what a terrible situation. I'm so sorry to hear about the painful experiences you've endured. You deserve so much more than what you have experienced. I will try to help the best I can with the information you provided.

When we experience frightening events, especially if we've been hurt before, our bodies and minds respond in many different ways to help us survive. Sometimes this includes changes in how we remember things, particularly when substances are involved. Many people describe having gaps in their memories, along with intense feelings of fear afterward - like the anxiety you felt seeing men in public. These responses serve as protective mechanisms, even though they can feel confusing and distressing.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can occur after experiencing or witnessing traumatic events, and symptoms can include flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, and strong emotional reactions to reminders of the trauma. The uncontrollable fear you mentioned could also be a sign of that trauma response.

The confusion you're feeling about your memories is something many people face after frightening experiences, especially with potential drugging involved. Our minds naturally try to make sense of scary events by attempting to understand what happened, which can lead us to question whether we're "filling in" gaps. However, your body's reactions - becoming severely intoxicated after just a few drinks, finding yourself in an unfamiliar place, and experiencing intense fear afterward - are meaningful signals from your body and mind about what happened.  

Your instinct to file a police report shows that you recognized something was wrong, even if you couldn't remember everything. While it's deeply frustrating that nothing came from the report, this doesn't make your experiences or reactions any less valid.

It's important to know that gaps in memory are very common in situations involving potential drugging or high stress. Not having a complete memory doesn't make what happened to you any less real or significant. Your body and mind responded in ways that helped you survive, even if those responses now feel confusing or overwhelming. 

You might consider reaching out to a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and can provide support as you navigate these complex emotions and memories. They can offer a safe space to explore your experiences, help you process what you've been through, and work with you on coping strategies.

Remember-- You did nothing wrong by trying to have fun at a club. What happened afterward was not your fault, and your feelings and reactions make sense given what you experienced. You deserve care, support, and understanding as you process these experiences. Thank you again for trusting us with this. You are not alone.