Question

I (24F) am struggling with a distressing childhood memory from when I was around 9-10. I remember initiating clothed body rubbing with my younger brother (who was 5-6) a few times out of childhood curiosity. It stopped when he expressed discomfort. Recently, when I asked him about it, he was surprised and said nothing inappropriate ever happened. Despite his response, I'm consumed by shame, guilt, and fear that I might have traumatized him. We have a great relationship now, but these thoughts are constant. I have a therapist for depression and anxiety but am scared to discuss this with them for fear of judgment. How can I process these feelings?

Answer

Thank you for sharing this with us. It takes a lot of courage to open up about something that's been causing you so much distress and fears of being judged. I want to ease your anxieties and emphasize that childhood curiosity and exploration are common parts of development. Based on what you shared, this seems to be all that was. 

At ages 9 or 10, children are still learning about boundaries and social norms. Engaging in clothed body contact out of curiosity is not uncommon among kids. The key point here is that when your brother expressed discomfort, you both stopped the behavior. This shows that, even as a child, you respected his feelings.

The fact that your brother doesn't recall the events as negative and assured you that you never touched him inappropriately is a strong indicator that he hasn't been adversely affected. It's clear that you care deeply for him and value your relationship, which is a positive foundation for both of you.

Feeling guilt and experiencing intrusive thoughts can be extremely challenging, especially when dealing with anxiety and depression. These feelings can amplify worries and make it difficult to move forward.

I understand that bringing this up with your therapist might feel intimidating, but remember that therapists are trained professionals who are there to help you without judgment. They've likely heard a wide range of personal experiences and are equipped to provide support and guidance. Sharing your concerns with your therapist could be a significant step toward alleviating your distress.

Consider expressing to your therapist that you've been struggling with feelings of guilt and intrusive thoughts related to a childhood memory. You don't have to share every detail right away if you're not comfortable. Opening up this dialogue can provide relief and allow your therapist to help you navigate these emotions.

Remember, you're not alone in this, and it's okay to seek support. Be gentle with yourself, and acknowledge that you were a child at the time, still learning and understanding the world around you. Your willingness to address this now shows your commitment to personal growth and the wellbeing of your relationship with your brother. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.