Question

During a waxing appointment when I was 13, the technician inappropriately touched my breast area. Though my mom was nearby, I stayed quiet despite feeling uncomfortable. Now years later, I question whether this was 'traumatic enough' to be upset about, and struggle with why I didn't speak up at the time. When I tried discussing this with a therapist, I felt they didn't validate how traumatic this experience was for me. Can you help me understand these feelings?

Answer

Thank you for sharing this with us. Your feelings of uncertainty and questioning are very common reactions to boundary violations, especially ones that occurred during adolescence. 

First, let's address your question about whether this was "traumatic enough." There's no minimum threshold for what makes an experience traumatic or worthy of causing distress. What matters is how it impacted you. The fact that this memory has stayed with you and continues to cause discomfort years later indicates that it was significant to you, and that significance is valid.

The situation involved several concerning elements: you were very young (13), in a vulnerable position (receiving a medical/cosmetic service), and the touch was inappropriate and unexpected. Professional service providers have strict boundaries they must maintain, especially with minors. Your discomfort was a natural and appropriate response to this boundary violation.

Your reaction of staying quiet, even though your mother was nearby, is also completely normal and understandable. Many people, especially young people, experience what's called a "freeze" response when boundaries are violated. This can happen for many reasons: shock, confusion, fear of making a scene, uncertainty about whether the touch was intentional, or worry about not being believed. This response doesn't mean you "let it happen" or that it was your fault - it was your body's automatic protective response to an unexpected situation.

The fact that a therapist didn't seem to understand the impact of this experience might have reinforced feelings of doubt about its significance. Unfortunately, some professionals may not fully appreciate how violations of trust during adolescence, even ones that might seem "minor" to others, can have lasting effects on our sense of safety and trust. Their response reflects their limitations, not the validity of your experience.

Your ongoing feelings about this incident might be particularly complex because it occurred in what should have been a safe, professional environment, with a parent nearby. Such experiences can create confusion about trust, safety, and speaking up, which can have ripple effects into other areas of life.

Remember-- The impact of an experience isn't measured by how it compares to other traumas, but by how it affected you. Your feelings matter, and you deserve support in processing them. Please continue to seek help if they are impacting you. Thank you for reaching out to us.