Question

Between ages 4-6, I was sexually harmed by a trusted cousin. When I tried to tell both mothers, I was dismissed. Later, living with other cousins at my grandmother's, I began initiating sexual activities with them - not understanding it wasn't normal because of my own experiences. Though adults sometimes caught us, no one addressed it. I stopped around age 10-11 because I felt guilty. Now, one cousin is telling others I introduced these behaviors, and some view me as a predator. I want to explain that my actions came from my own trauma and lack of understanding, and to apologize, but they won't talk to me. Other family members avoid the topic entirely. I'm devastated because I'm not who they think I am, and while I understand the hurt I may have caused, I just want a chance to explain and apologize. What can I do?

Answer

Thank you for having the courage to share your story with us. I hear the pain and complexity of your situation. You are showing tremendous insight in recognizing how your early trauma influenced your childhood behaviors while also acknowledging the impact your actions had on others.

When childhood trauma goes unaddressed, as happened when you tried to tell trusted adults and were dismissed, it creates ripples that affect everyone involved. Children often express their experiences through behavior, especially when they don't have the words or support to process trauma in other ways. Your realization at age 10-11 that these behaviors felt wrong, and your decision to stop, shows remarkable emotional awareness for a child.

Now, as adults, everyone involved is processing these experiences in their own way and at their own pace. While your desire to explain and apologize comes from a place of growth and accountability, it's important to recognize that your cousins may need distance to process their own trauma. Their current boundaries, though painful for you, are part of their healing journey and deserve respect.

One way to begin your own healing while respecting their boundaries is through writing letters to your cousins that you may never send. This practice can help you organize your thoughts and feelings about what happened, express your understanding of the harm caused, and document your journey of growth. Creating a personal timeline of your experiences and understanding can also help you see your progress while acknowledging the complex factors that influenced your childhood behaviors.

Working with a trauma-informed therapist, particularly one experienced in childhood sexual trauma and family dynamics, can also provide crucial support. They can help you process both your early experiences and current feelings, develop tools for managing family members' reactions, and find ways to hold both your own pain and the pain you caused others. This work can help you practice self-compassion while maintaining accountability.

It's possible to understand that your actions came from your own unprocessed trauma while also acknowledging the real harm caused to your cousins. Both experiences are valid and deserve recognition. While direct communication isn't possible right now, you can channel your desire to make amends into personal growth, education about childhood trauma and healing, and breaking cycles of harm in your own relationships.

Remember that healing isn't linear, and family healing is especially complex. Your cousins' need for distance doesn't invalidate your growth and understanding. At the same time, your understanding of how your early trauma influenced your behaviors doesn't diminish their right to maintain boundaries that feel safe for them. 

This process will take time, but you have already made tremendous strides. Thank you for trusting us. You are not alone.