Trying To Get Back On Course

I'm a 39 year old man whose childhood innocence was stolen from him at the tender age of 11. What's made it even more difficult for me, is that the person responsible for this was a family member who is mentally disabled. I struggle to write this, as this is the first public admission to what happened so many years ago. My parents would drop me off at my grandparent's house in a neighboring state for a few weeks in the summer so they could have a little vacation to themselves. This happened almost yearly. When I was 11, they dropped me off in the same way they always do, but the child they came to pick up weeks later wasn't the same. My mentally disabled Aunt who was adopted by my grandparents at a young age had sexually assaulted me in the bedroom provided by my grandparents during our yearly trip. This happened several times that summer, with her sneaking into my room to assault me. I was so confused about what was happening, and felt shame for it. So much shame and confusion that I didn't tell my parents about it. How did my 11 year old self know this was something not right, and I didn't say something to the two people in the world that mean everything to me? This happened the following summer, and the summer after that until I was 13 and my parents were in the middle of a divorce. For three summers, I endured what no child should. At the time I couldn't explain what was happening, but now can come to the terms with what it was and admit to what was happening to me. I'm not very news savvy, and don't typically watch the news or pay attention to what's going on in the world in a broad sense. This means I almost completely missed the Larry Nassar case and everything that went on with it. Yesterday I took the time to watch some of the trial, and watched almost every single Victim Impact Statement. What those brave women had to say to him about how what he did had changed their lives, has changed my life as well. I saw myself, my feelings, how this has all hurt me and effected my life in many of their stories. Specifically in how they can't trust people in power, have had relationships and their love lives effected, and how they are so much different now compared to before their assault. To this day I can't fully realize how what happened to me 28 years ago has changed every bit of my life. I learned at a very young age to bottle up emotions, stuff them way down, and continue on. Today I'm a man devoid of much emotion because of those efforts. I erased the bad, and with it came erasing the good. My life's trajectory changed, and I'm stuck wondering what type of man I'd be if this had never happened. At the moment I believe I'm in the first steps of healing from what happened to me. Unsure of how to proceed from here except for seeking professional help. I appreciate having this platform to share my story, and look forward to some day saying I too am a survivor.