This should have never happened

I grew up in a sheltered, conservative Christian home. I grew up Baptist and extremely sheltered. I grew up in a domestic violence household, where my parents were constantly fighting, throwing things, leaving in the middle of the night, and so much more. I followed the unspoken rule as a child to be quiet and not let anyone know what was going on. When I was 10, we moved to Location to attend Church- a mega-evangelical church. We become super involved- serving the homeless, being at church for every event, and joining church activities. I wasn't taught anything about relationships outside of what I witnessed in my parent's relationship and the good old purity culture of "don't ruin yourself before marriage". The summer I was going into my senior year of high school, I was asked to come and work for the summer at our local overnight camp. It was a faith-based camp and I was excited to spend the summer with my friends. I had never had a boyfriend, never kissed, and had no sexual experiences. At camp, I met a guy who was hot, cute, and a year older than me. We connected and I would give him rides from camp on the weekends and we would talk. One day, when I was working in the kitchen cutting fruit, he came up behind me and pressed his dick against my ass. He grabbed me by the hips and commented on how nice my ass was. I was shocked and froze. I just stood there until he left, and waited to unfreeze. I was so confused. That wasn't what my first sexual experience was supposed to be like. But also, was that the only way to get a guy to like me? By having a nice body? I felt ashamed that part of me didn't hate it either. I moved on with the summer but kept a distance from him. Partially out of being anxious about him, but also because I didn't know how to approach him after what happened. Maybe I was overreacting? But I might- could have liked it? In the last two weeks of the summer, a new guy joined our kitchen team. We spent a lot of time in there prepping for meals, cleaning up, and hanging out, so we began to talk a lot. We would hang together after our shifts and sneak off to go look at the rivers and streams around the camp. One weekend, he needed a ride home and I offered to drive him since he only lived a few streets away. On the drive down, he was asking if I had ever had a boyfriend, kissed someone, and had sex. I said that I hadn't experienced any of that and he was shocked. He said that if we had met sooner, he would have asked to date me sooner. He called me beautiful. He said I was his favorite person. We pulled into town and I said I needed to stop by the house to use the restroom. He came into the house- my parents were out of town for the weekend for my little brother's birthday. When I got out of the bathroom, I found him in my room looking at my photos, my quote wall, and my bed. I said that I should probably take him home and he said he read his schedule wrong and had plenty of time. He hopped on my bed and patted it for me to sit next to him. I had a pit in my stomach but pushed through because I didn't want to seem cool or interested. We sat on the bed and he brought up how we should cuddle and take a nap. I said okay, and I lay on his chest. It was nice and I remember thinking, this is how I dreamed it being. He smelled like Irish Spring and boy, which was the best to me then. I heard my phone buzz, so I turned over. I clicked it, and when I turned back, he kissed me. He stuck his tongue in my mouth and kissed me. When he pulled back I said, "What did you do that for?" I was pissed. He said that he wanted my first kiss to be special. I was shocked and said okay because what else do you say when a boy kisses you and is in your bed? He wanted me to practice so we made out for a while. In the middle of that, he said it would be hot to have me on top. I didn't think that would do anything other than get it over faster, so I sat on him while he kissed me. He began grinding into me, touching me, and trying to get his hands in my pants. When he began trying to take my shirt off, I said no. I said it 3 more times before he stopped. We ended up laying down and "sleeping"- he slept, and I lay with my eyes wide open. When I took him home, he kissed me. I got to my house and felt shell shocked shame, embarrassment, and confusion. This was supposed to happen? This is how it was supposed to go. Why was this the first kiss I got, God? My parents found out a few weeks later that he came over and harassed me about it to no end. They accused me of sleeping with him, of being a disappointment to the family, and of ruining myself for my husband. I shut down. I tried to see him again, but after 10 minutes with him, I made an excuse and never talked to him again. I worked with a person who knew what happened and knew the guy who assaulted me. I picked him up to go to church with me one Sunday and he told me that he talked to the guy the night before about me and what happened. He said that the guy told him that he would have gone all the way with me if I hadn't bitched so much. That was his goal, and all he said was that I had a great ass and tits. 2 years ago, I began working for a domestic violence/ sexual assault agency. I got my SA Advocate certificate to accompany victims while they got their rape kits done. I had not realized until after my training that what happened to me was sexual assault. I convinced myself that because I wasn't raped meant that I wasn't a victim of that. Then I went to the Conference for work. And every workshop and seminar I went in was so triggering. I was driving home from the conference and it hit me- the severity of what happened and how bad it was. I told a friend who had been assaulted and she told me that I had been. That it wasn't my fault. I was a sheltered 17-year-old who had no clue or education about any of it. A few months ago, I sat in on a rape kit exam for a 17-year-old. For 6 hours I watched this kid have exams no 17-year-old should have. I played Taylor Swift while a nurse collected DNA on their body. I sang Billie Eilish and held their hand as they got a pap smear. I lied and said that I had had a pap smear before to make them more comfortable. And when it was done, and I dropped them off, I broke. I sobbed because that should have never happened. I sobbed because if my attempted rape had gone through to completion, my parents would have never taken me to get a kit done. I would have never had access to resources like this kid would. And no one believed me and everyone believed this kid. My therapist has diagnosed me with C-PTSD and it has changed my life. I had to pull out of advocacy because every moment was a flashback. I had to go on stress leave for 2 weeks because I couldn't stop crying at work. It has been one of the hardest and most unexplainable experiences of my life. I flinch when people yell, or there is a sudden noise. It is insane. I know that some good has to come from all of this. I have met and worked with children and adults who have experienced worse than me and they survived. My advice would be to reach out and get help. You are truly not alone. This should never have happened to you. And you don't know how sorry and heartbroken I am that it did. Thank you for being here and reading my story. I don't know what the rest of my healing looks like, but I am fighting for it.