The people I trusted

The first time I was sexually assaulted was when I was 14. My neighbor at the time used to come throwing rocks at my window in the middle of the night until I would sneak out & do whatever it was he wanted to do. I never wanted to, I always wanted to stay in bed. But he had shown me his guns many times, & knowing his past, & the threats he had said to me before, I just continued to show up. Eventually he went to jail for something unrelated. Once out, he moved. I have no idea where he lives, but he knows where I live. It keeps me up at night to think he could come throwing rocks again. the second time I was 16. My boyfriend at the time wanted to have sex. He was drunk, & I was super high. Still he drove to pick me up from my friends house, even though I told him I didn’t want to go. We drove to his friends house, who was right outside the house in his car the whole time. & he pushed himself onto me, held my legs in ways I wasn’t comfortable with & tried to force himself in me. I was still a virgin! I told him over & over, “I don’t want to be high for this. I don’t want this to be my first time. I want my first time to be special.” He didn’t care. Eventually I said I had to go to the bathroom & faked an emergency for why I needed to leave. His friend knew what was going on. When I finally spoke out on what happened, telling his new girlfriend (who he had cheated on me w) what he had done, she told him & when he confronted me he threatened me multiple times & told me he’d ruin my life, id be nothing, & to never speak on his name again. All of his friends, even some of the people I thought were my friends, silenced me because they didn’t want him to lose his scholarship to university. They protected him, & turned on me. Made my truth into “lies.” The third time I had just broken up w my ex (the cheater from before) & went back to my first love. The man I trusted w everything in me & who I thought was my real soulmate. We talked about having sex, I told him I had always wanted him to be the one to take my virginity. So after school one day I headed over to his house, u didn’t tell anyone, I just went thinking I was about to have sex with the person I really loved most in the world. But what happened was not love making or anything like it. He was forceful, he was mean, he made me bleed. A LOT. It was so painful I couldn’t speak, I started to close my legs in pain & he ripped them open & said “I know it hurts but u have to keep ur legs open for me.” I started to cry. He came, wiped it & the blood off himself. Went to the bathroom, came back, & the first words he said to me were “DONT tell anyone about this.” He had just broken up w his girlfriend too. I agreed not thinking too much of it. Then he said he was gonna go canoe w his friend & basically kicked me out right after. Our relationship before had been up & down a lot, but we promised if he took my virginity he’d be in my life forever. He also promised to always love & care about me, even just as a friend. But instead he told his ex girlfriend, who attacked me, & told my ex, who also attacked me, & then that man (the third one the “loml”) blocked me on everything. Completely disappeared. Without explanation. It’s been 4 years I haven’t heard from him since. He never apologized. He never acknowledged what happened. He never understood the trauma & pain he caused me. That they all caused me. It’s not fair that I was silenced. That I was terrified into being hushed. I was not in the wrong. I DID not deserve to be treated this way. I am so happy I found my way out of the hole. All that abuse, mentally & physically put me in the darkest place I’ve ever been. Self harming, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, anxiety disorder too, I’m on anxiety medication still to this day. I’m proud of how far I’ve come, but I shouldn’t have had to been put through any of it in the first place. If you read this, thank you. Thank for listening, for hearing me, & for believing me. This is my truth.