Name - My SA Trauma in a Summary

To start off, this may be a bit triggering for some. I didn’t learn what consent really was until I was about 13, roughly 14. But, I did have common sense and I knew it was never okay to do something that wasn’t okay with someone else. All of the terms, r*pe, molestation, sexual assault and more were very new to me at the time. I had no idea what these things really were until I had went to my uncle one evening after school. I talked about what my grandpa had done to me when I was 8 years old. He told me in short, “You were molested.” My heart dropped, I didn’t know what that meant but it didn’t sound good with how he was saying it. I asked him what it was and he was surprised I didn’t know. With me just learning I was a victim of my grandfathers actions, it got me to thinking about other situations where people were doing things to me. Things that weren’t okay, but I didn’t know they were wrong. When I was 14, I found out what COCSA was. At first, it was very confusing. I didn’t understand the term much but the more I read about it, the more it made sense. I remembered back to a time where my sister, who was 6 at the time, told me that we should do something together in the bathroom. From a vague memory, I can remember asking, “What?” That’s when it got wonky remembering the rest of what really happened. I was 10, turning 11. When you’re in a situation like that, a child with a child who is younger than you, your sibling, there isn’t much you can do. There was nothing I could do. It’s almost impossible for a persecutor to be younger in a situation like that, but I have heard it’s so possible. With her being young, me being young but also old enough for people to expect me to know better, I was at a loss of words. I have never told anyone about any of this due to pure embarrassment, and I wasn’t sure of how to approach it in any way. I completely blocked it off. On another note, I have always had trouble sticking up for myself and saying no to people. This was especially present during my childhood and my early teen years (11-15). I have been a victim of multiple sexual encounters that I did not want. Every time they’d happen though, I would immediately freeze and lock up. To cope, I would resort to self harm or avoiding the abuser in any way I could. I have heard that avoidance is super common with victims and their abusers, especially if they are made aware later that what the abuser did was wrong. There were so many times that I never said no, I never said anything. I always felt guilty for never saying anything, a guilty conscious mind was my greatest enemy, it still is. There is a huge gap in my childhood that I cannot remember, I’m not sure if it’s due to trauma or anything. As a summary, I have been put into the habit of never saying anything, even if I’m incredibly uncomfortable with it. Even if I knew it probably wasn’t okay, but I felt defenseless, I was a kid. I am trying my hardest to do what I couldn’t do as a child, even if it feels impossible, like a permanent lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach, I know it’s best to let someone know now. The difference is, I’m not scared of who I am with now, nor the people I surround myself with. I can tell them if I feel scared or threatened, which is still something I have to adjust to. Thank you for reading. This is the briefest way for me to put it honestly, if there was a way for me to go into full grave detail, then I would.