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Survivor story
M “No”
Original story
Message to a Survivor
Time. That’s what you will need the most. Time will show you that you can love despite what happened to you. Time will teach you that none of it was your fault too. It won’t make it all disappear but it will make it feel less raw, less painful. I hope you can find the patience and strength to get there love <3 M
Message of Healing
I don’t really know yet. Im only 18 and I still haven’t told my brother what his best friend did to me. I plan on doing it soon, his girlfriend knows by now and my other brother too. I guess that helped me heal a bit - telling them. Seeing their reactions and the validation that i felt when i saw them cry and reach for me. I felt that im not being ungrateful, irrational or overdramatic for once. So i guess other people validating what i’ve felt for so long was what helped me the most for now.
This is something i wrote when i was 16, about my brother’s best friend who was 22 years older than me and sexually assaulted me for five years. i feel dirty in a way that i can’t wash off i feel dirty even after almost three years still feel dirty after almost five too no amount of soap in my mouth or scratching at my body with my nails, with brushes, with anything at hand, none of it makes me feel clean i want to be clean i remember being naive, thinking i was lucky, thinking „wow, so many people would love to be in the position that i am” „wow, how ungrateful can i be? that’s just how life is right?” after all nobody seemed to mind right? it’s not like my friends didn’t touch my waist and ass at parties so why shouldn’t he? i should be grateful right? he’s handsome, he has tattoos and a strong body and he’s so much older so why did it all feel wrong? it’s not like anyone reacted when he touched me, not like his fucking fiancé didn’t see so it’s okay right? i guess it must be so why do i feel so damn dirty? why did he do that to me? why did he ruin my body for me? i remember being so kind and nice, i remember being shy and innocent in a way that feels so foreign today now im mostly angry im angry at myself, angry at him, angry at the world and at every person that was around and didn’t seem to notice what he was doing to me why? the world seems like such a broken place now it seems like a place that i don’t want to be a part of why did my only protector let that awful men in my life? didn’t he know how he was? didn’t he know his own best friend? why did he let him near me i want to be angry at him the most but i can’t bring myself to feel that towards him after all he went through a lot too after all, he did so much to protect me already i want to be clean again i want to stop feeling his hands on my lower back and his lips on mine i want it all to stop why is it not stoping
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.