Survivor - I am worthy!

I was married for over 20 years. The first half of my marriage was pretty good.. he could be an asshole, but I had little kids to focus on and I made excuses for his bad behavior towards me. Then his binge drinking got worse. He found two friends with similar interests… drinking, drinking and more drinking. See, I come from a family of alcoholism. I have lost my brother, neice and sister to alcohol and/or drugs. Not to mention the half dozen cousins that died because of alcoholism. With that said, I excused the binge drinking because it was only once in a while… he still worked hard, and was providing for us. But as the drinking became worse, so did his behavior towards me get worse. I could do nothing right. Everyday I was told I was fat and ugly. I have been a petite size 4 woman my whole life BTW! I was berated for not turning out the lights, getting a haircut that wasn’t at Supercuts with a coupon, for buying my girls an extra treat at the grocery store. You name it I was called fat, stupid, ugly, the worst cook, terrible mother, crazy and so many more insults. Every single day! Well as the drinking got worse, so did the demand to have sex after a night of drinking. I didn’t want to have sex when he was drunk. I learned later in therapy that I was triggered because I was sexually assaulted when I was a child by someone who was always drunk. So my husband, would attack me with threats, gaslighting and insults if I didn’t put out” I lived in fear of him coming home drunk because I knew I would have to have sex with him. And it would be like being raped over and over and over again. He knew I hated it, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t until I was telling my friend about this and how I cry when we have drunk sex. I would have flashbacks to my sexual assaults. I couldn’t get wet, I cringed when he touched me….. I told him over and over that I hate to have sex when he was drunk. That it was terrible for me. That he can’t get hard. He knew when he was sober it was a whole other experience! I like sex, touching, making love. Just not when he was drunk. . Then my friend said to me, “Survivor that is rape!!! You were gaslighted and coerced into believing that it wasn’t rape that it was okay because you were his wife. That even though you said no and you don’t like it… he didn’t give a flying F*ck! You have to put out or else!!!” I realized, he never even knew I cried every time we had drunk sex. He could care less that I was crying because he was usually that drunk. And not to mention he couldn’t even get a full erection most of the time. Then of course, he would blame, scream and yell at me for him not being able to cum or get hard. I was gaslighted to believe it was me that was at fault for everything that was wrong in our sexual and emotional relationship. He does nothing wrong in his mind. Then my kids got older…. That’s when they started to become aware of his drinking. Both my kids and our dog have found him past out on the floor thinking he was dead. I still didn’t leave after that. It wasn’t until I got help and went to intensive therapy. I started to get stronger, see my worth and get past some of my trauma from my childhood that had made me fear my husband and sex with him. Well I could go on and on with examples of the emotional, sexual, financial and psychological abuse I suffered. But I don’t have the energy for that anymore. This past Wednesday our divorce was signed by the judge and I am a single woman now. I am no longer married to the monster behind the facade of perfection. I don’t think I am free through, the trauma I have from the multitude of nights I was forced to “put out”, the insane amount of gaslighting and emotional abuse I suffered keeps me from truly being free. But I am working damn hard on it! I am doing pretty good considering the hell I went through. On a positive note my kid told me that they were proud of me. For finally getting myself out of that unhealthy marriage. I will take that as a huge win!!